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I’m a selfish best friend

Disclaimer: this is my pity party. I am writing this the same day that I received the news. This will be published days after the news was broke to me. I know this makes me sound incredibly selfish and not a very good best friend at all but this is how I honestly feel. This is me being real with my initial feelings about this. Will I always feel like this? No. Will it take time? Yes. (This was written on 11/24/14). 

 

My mind is all over the place, my heart is broken, there’s a constant lump in my throat, and tears ready to run down my face at any given moment.

^ This is how I’ve been feeling all day today since this morning when my best friend told me that she was moving. I feel like kicking and screaming and demanding that she isn’t allowed to do this to me.

I’ve always had friends. I don’t ever remember a time that I didn’t have friends. Friends come and go. Some stay for awhile and some are gone as fast as they developed. Some make us stronger, some make smarter, and some make us better. I’ve had all kinds of friends. I’ve had great friends and I’ve had friends that have stabbed me in the back. I have a few friends that I call real friends. A few that are best friends. And even fewer friends that I call family. This girl is family.

I’ve  only met this friend a little over a year ago. I didn’t even know she existed until September (maybe) of 2013. We’ve grown close fast and I wouldn’t trade any of what I’ve been through with her…..even if it meant she wouldn’t move. I feel like a little girl who’s friend is moving and they just cry and cry.

I was so shocked when I read the Facebook message from her. At first I wondered why she didn’t tell me in person but on the other hand I was glad she didn’t because I probably would have started crying. And not the pretty cry either, the dreaded ugly cry. As thrilled as I am for her & her family (and I truly am), I would like nothing better than if everything just fell apart & they ended up staying here. I know that is incredible selfish of me. I know that no best friend really wants this to happen. I know that this is part of Gods plan for them. I know that I want the best for the her (and her family), even if that means I can’t be apart of her daily life anymore.

There was so much that I was looking forward to doing with her and her new born daughter. Our girls are only 4 months apart. I thought we were going to raise them together. I thought they’d grow up together and be bffs. I am now having to put my wants aside and plan new things.

(I know all this may sound pathetic to some that I am this upset about my friend moving but there are those few friends who mean so much more than just another friend.)

She’s only moving two hours away, so day visits aren’t out of the question. I would get to visit a city that I’ve never been to. Those are the only positives that I can find right now. Plus, I’m the only one here that knows she’s moving. I can’t even have a pity party with our other friends about this! It’s going to happen so quickly too. They are planning on being moved and settled into their new lives by the first of the year. I won’t have time to process much of this by the time she gone.

And my 2 year old. My 2 year old daughter absolutely loves her. Tells me she wants her all the time. The smile and happiness that spreads all over her face when she sees her Gigi is irreplaceable. I hope she takes this news better than I am. Plus side is, again, she’s only two hours away.

Im still trying to process what I was told, the time in which it’s happening, and the fact that she won’t be here anymore. Why now? Why this fast?

I have other friends and best friends here in this town & I don’t want any of them moving and would be just has upset if they told me this news. I thought our circle would be here forever and we’d raise our kiddos together and be old before our circle was broken up. I am just so sad. But I know these plans aren’t mine and they aren’t even hers, they are His and they are perfect.

I will miss you so much friend.

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Heavy heart

My heart has been super heavy lately for friends and family that are going through life. There are just so many struggles going on and there is nothing that I can do expect pray for them. I am not saying that’s not enough, but when you see someone you love struggle with anything, you want to be there with them & help them through this time.

Recently I have connected with an old friend from high school and found out some details about her that just break my heart. I have not heard the story from her but from a mutual friend that has been talking with her sister. And you can just look at this friend and know that she isn’t well. My heart is not only broken about her but what her parents must be going through also. And not only have I found out that she has been heavy into drugs but also that she lost her 8 month old son 5 years ago. No one (from what I have heard) even knew she was pregnant let alone knew about her son passing. I don’t know the story because my friend didn’t go into detail but he died in his crib. How incredibly heartbreaking!

I was talking with this mutual friend about all this information we were basically finding out at the same time in such a short period of time, and we are in such shock. This person you have never thought would fall into that world. Like I told my friend, anyone can fall into that world, it’s all a choice. But it doesn’t make it easier to deal with and have it sink in any better.

I have reached out to this friend and told her that I am here for her no matter what if she would like to talk about anything. I have given her my phone number and address. Some people communicate better in words rather than speaking, so I wanted to leave the door open for either to her. I really haven’t had her contact me other than a few messages back & forth. Hopefully she will open up to someone soon and get some help! I love her too much to see her like this and not  want something better for her.

I want to say to anyone going through a rough time or just need to talk through something or aren’t what to do about something…..PLEASE talk to someone! It doesn’t have to be a friend or a family member. There are so many hotlines out there. If you go to a church, talk to a pastor there. If you don’t want to talk to someone at your church, go to another one where they don’t know you like your home church might.  Talk to someone! I don’t really care who it is…..talk to someone that would be able to help you or get help for you. No one should ever go through anything alone! Please get in touch with someone and reach out to them. Cry, write things down, talk, draw….do something to help get your feelings out. You are never alone & someone has gone through what you are going through right this minute! Reach out!

Suicide Helplines
Depression 24/7 Helpline
Addiction Treatment Center
National Domestic Violence Hotline

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A tough choice

At least it was for me and I can only speak for myself.
If you have been followingreading my posts over the last few weeks, you know that Baby L is still breech & last week at my appointment my dr told me that he didn’t think baby would turn. So I was left with 2 options….deliver a breech baby or have a csection.
I have never been dealt these cards before & never had to think about either of these options before. My dr has told me over and over that he is very comfortable preforming a csection but that he is the only dr in the practice that will do one. But the thought that kept coming to my mind was “Well I am glad you are comfortable with doing a breech delivery, but that doesn’t mean that I am.”
To be honest, when I first was told that having a breech delivery was a possibility I did look up what it involved and what could happen to Baby L with a breech delivery but didn’t look too much into because I was convinced that the baby would turn….all mine have before. Well now that I am 39 weeks & baby still hasn’t turned…I am forced with looking more into and make a choice of which delivery I am willing to do.

We spent yesterday with my mom and step dad (my step dad owns a peditricians office & knows a lot about this kinda stuff) and I was talking with him about this topic. Of course my SD isn’t going to lie or sugar coat anything with me (which is a good thing) and after talking with him & doing some more research this morning, I have come to the conclusion that I will be having a cscetion if Baby L still doesn’t turn. I still have to tell my dr about this choice (my appointment isn’t until Thursday this week) and see if I can wait longer to see what Baby L does or what. This is new territory for me so I don’t know what will happen next.

I am super bummed because a csection is planned & it just takes all the fun out of knowing when your baby will be born. I am not that thrilled about this choice & am praying that God will help me become at peace with this choice. But after reading up on the complications that could occur with a breech delivery, I would rather not put Baby L in that position (no pun intended :)). I would much rather do something that I don’t want to do in order to make sure that Baby L is safe & arrives the best way possible with the cards that we are dealt. I so very much want to be selfish and have a breech over a csection (something I have never wanted….EVER!) but I know it’s not the best route for my baby.
Yes, I know that the things that read are things that could happen. I know that it doesn’t mean that it will happen toBaby L. I know that I could have a breech delivery & everything be just perfect. I also know that I am not willing to add harm to my baby just because of couldmight happen. The things that I read about that could happen is not something that I am willing to risk. I would rather go through the pain & longer recovery & swallow my pride than to risk something with Baby L. I would forever feel guilty if I did what I wanted and something happen to Baby L that could have been prevented.

I cannot see nor predict the future but what I can do is make the best choice for my unborn child. And right now, this is the best choice for me and Baby L.

I will update sometime Thursday after my normal weekly drs appointment.

Until then 🙂

4

Goodbye my friend

This is not my choice in saying goodbye to this friend. I noticed awhile back that we weren’t friends on FB anymore. We were close friends even though we had never met & lived in different states. I felt that I had been by her side through anything that she needed me to be there for her. I wasn’t always able to drop what I was doing to answer her messages or talk with her, but when I could clear my head & write from my heart I did. I didn’t always post on her wall because I thought we were at a point in our friendship that I didn’t need to do that sort of thing.

We had a falling out a few months ago but it was over a miscommunication\misunderstanding. It was worked out and we went on our merry way. I did feel differently toward her after this but still wanted that friendship with her. Figured that it would just work it’s way out and things would be normal between us again. Apparently it wasn’t meant to be. I went to write on her wall & say that I was thinking about her and that’s how I found out we weren’t friends anymore. I was saddened by this because I really did value our friendship and love her. I have sent her a message on FB asking what happened & haven’t heard back from her. I am pretty sure she was read it, but I am not going to push it & let her come to me when she is ready.

I do miss her & only know what’s going with her & family through her blog. If there was something going on, I would have liked if she would have come to me about it. That way we could work it out or whatever the case may be. I don’t know why she chose to not be friends with me but it’s something that I have to accept. I honestly think about her on a daily basis & keep her and family in my prayers. I have no idea if she will read this. I am sorry for anything that I did to hurt her. But I want to say something to the people that do read this:

If you have a friend that you are close with & something happens or you are starting to feel a certain way….please talk with them about it instead of just leaving the friendship & having the friend wonder what happened and what they did wrong. Don’t just close doors to the people that love you & then not explain to them what happened. I am sure that you wouldn’t want someone to do that to you – so please don’t do that to other people.

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Happy Birthday Grandma

Today is my grandmothers birthday (my moms mom). She died when I was in highschool. I am not able to find any pictures right now of the two of us. I miss her a lot! I know that if she were here that she would eat up my kids! Knowing her, she would probably buy two or three houses right next to each other…..one for her, one for me, and one for my mom. I wish that she were still here with us so she could see and enjoy her great grand children. I hope that she is in heaven looking down on us all the time! Love you Grandma ❤