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No yelling: Day 4 – now

So I obviously didn’t do a very good job of blogging the week that I wasn’t going to yell. I also didn’t do a very good job of not yelling. I have yelled every day from the first post until now. I don’t know how to not yell. I get to point where talking doesn’t work. I’m tired of being given respect by my kids. I can and will only take so much before I have hit my limit.

I have, however, stopped myself in some moments and just began to talk in a normal voice. That doesn’t happen very often but I’m glad when it does. It helps me calm down and I’m sure they enjoy it more when I’m just talking vs yelling. I wish I could do that every time. I wish I wasnt a yeller. Again, I don’t know how to not yell. Maybe one day I wont, I hope sooner than later.

I know the area in which I need to work on. It’s the ‘in the moment’ moments that I’m terrible at. I can tell myself all day long what I need to do but when I am in the middle of those moments, it all goes out the window. I always fall back into the same cycle that I don’t want to be in…..the crazy cycle!

I will break this cycle and beat it. I don’t when or what will be the magic ingredient but I will!

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#365daysofthanks – 2/365

Today is January 2nd.

I was actually struggling to find something to be thankful for all day. It just wasn’t a very good day here in our house. We had moments but overall, I’m glad it’s bed time.

I was originally going to say that I was thankful for the rain we are getting today. We live in Texas and are currently in a severe drought, stage 5 to be exact. So when we get rain, everyone is thanking God for it.

Then I got to thinking that I really needed to look for something that might not be so obvious, something that wasn’t right in my face.

Everyone had had gone to bed and it was close to 9pm and still hadn’t found something to write about. And then I was playing with Emma, just her and I. And I looked in her eyes and thought, man am I so thankful for you!

(In case you are new or don’t remember, as I didn’t and had to go back and read it, here are my thoughts when I finding out I was pregnant with our 6th child)

I wasn’t always so excited that this baby would be here. I didn’t want this baby to be here. now when I look at her, I can’t imagine my life without her. She is only 5 months old and it feels like she’s been much longer than that and other times it feels like she just got here. The majority of the time (when I have those moments to reflect) it feels like she was always supposed to be here. And I know that she was in His plans the whole time. I love her so much it hurts sometimes. I cherish her a bit more than my other babies because I feel like she is my last baby. I probably won’t have these moments again. I know that I need to soak them up as much as I can.

I am so thankful for this baby that I cried about when I found out that I was pregnant with her and wished that God would give her to someone else (true story. I even told God who I wanted him to give my baby to). I am so glad He didn’t listen to  me. I’m so glad that He gave her to me. Emma will always be my baby and be my own personal proof that His plans are always better than mine.

 

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No yelling: Day 2 & 3

Well I can’t say that I’ve been very successful at this no yelling thing. All I want to do is blame the kiddos and say that if they wouldn’t whine/cry/complain/do what kids do then I wouldn’t have to yell. But in the end, it’s not their fault and blaming them would be a lie. It would be a copout. It would be childish of me. It would be wrong.

Do their attitudes,whining, cry, and other emotions get under my skin? Absolutely! They wear on me to the point that is like nothing better to do than pull my hair out and send them on a hike! I would like to control the volume and sound just like a TV with them. I would like to duct tape them to the wall so they can’t push, shove, and hit each other. Boy, would that make life a bit easier!

I have to swallow my pride and only blame myself for my attitude and actions. I need to learn techniques that have me step back, take a moment, and then deal with whatever is going on. I don’t always have to argue back, have the last word, or be right. What I should always strive for is to solve the problem not add to it. I shouldn’t have to feel so drained within the first 30 minutes of them being home from school. I shouldn’t have a countdown of when they go back to school in the back of my mind. I need to change my mindset. I need to change the way I deal with things and maybe it’ll run off on them. What a concept I just thought of!
{insert sarcasm}

The sad part is that I already know all this stuff. I know that I should back off and then deal with my kiddos. I know that I need to set the example to them on how to deal with conflict and unfairness and other people. All I’m showing is anger and loss of control. Horrible example to my kiddos.

I need to make the effort to do what I know I should be doing. All my kiddos are doing is a reflection of what I’m doing. And I’m getting mad at them for being just like me! So silly!

All my kiddos are over being sick, I’m out of the house today, and all my school aged kiddos have a Christmas party at school today I’m going to make an effort to think before I speak and/or act. I am going to set a new tone and example in my house. I’m going to be the change I want to see in my kiddos.

If not me, then who?

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I’m tired of hearing myself yell…..and I’m sure everyone else is too

I’ve heard myself say this to myself, and I’m sure out loud also, so many times.

I’m so tired of hearing myself yell. I don’t like to do it and it wears me out and it’s in(un)affective and no ones ears enjoy it.

I’m a yeller by nature. I have no idea why. I honestly don’t know if I’ve always been this way or it’s been a progression since having a big family.

Logically, I know that yelling isn’t going to fix, help, or change anything or anyone. I could yell until I have no voice and I know things wouldn’t change. If I know all this then the next question would be, then why do I still do it?

For a fact I know that I out of frustration. I yell because I feel like I’m not being heard. I yell because I don’t know what else to do. Well, let’s be honest here, I do know other ways to handle things but I don’t always take a step back, breath, and then address whatever is going on. It’s the ‘in the moment’ thing that I don’t think all the way. I don’t stop and think (something I should probably do considering I tell this to my kids all. the. time.). I react. And then I wonder why in never works. I wonder why I feel guilty after having a yell-fest. I wonder why I’m apologizing to my kiddos all the time. You’d think by now I would’ve thought of a better way of handling this or would have changed my ways by now. But no, no I haven’t. I’ve also noticed that instead of spending all this time working on me & my ways, I’ve just kept saying ‘well if the kids wouldn’t act/say what they do, then I wouldn’t have to yell’. So basically, I’m blaming my kiddos because I would rather point the finger at someone else than swallow that pride pill, own up to my fault, and work on this.

#momfail

I’ve tried this before about 2-3 years ago. I don’t remember it lasting that long. I do remember feeling less stressed. My nerves weren’t shot by the end of the day. I remember my kiddos weren’t yelling at each other either. I remember not feeling like a hypocrite when I’d tell my kiddos to stop yelling, while yelling at them (1+1 doesn’t equal 2 here).  My kiddos are older then they were before and I can tell them to hold me accountable with this also.

I’m not going to yell for 1 week. No yelling, period. Not even if I’m on one side of the house and need/want a kiddo. No yelling means no yelling. I’m going to come here and vent my frustration, everyday for this week.

Will it be difficult? Yes, considering that I don’t go 1 day without yelling now. I know that I can do. I know that I have to do it, not only for me but (most importantly) for my kiddos.

Fingers crossed for day 1!

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#30daysofthanks

You all know this hashtag by now, I mean it is the end of November.

I think that I always jump on this bandwagon every year. I don’t think there’s ever been a year that I actually completed 30 days. And seeing the lack of posts in my newsfeed by the end of the month, I’m not the only one. They say 21 days makes a habit but I can never make it that far into the month, ha!

So, if I don’t finish my #30daysofthanks, does that mean I’m not thankful!?

Absolutely not!

I think we should be thankful for everything, everyday. I know that more people are than aren’t. I understand why it’s more focused on in November. This time of year brings to our attention why we should be thankful for what we have and how great our lives actually are. Our focus kinda gets put on the back burner the other 95% of the year. I can totally see how and why that happens. Life happens. Life gets in the way. Our lives are our bubbles and sometimes the things that happen in our bubble are just so consuming that we forget to look outside our bubble. What happens in my bubble may not be a big deal in your bubble and vice versa. We tend to not be as merry and bright the rest of the year. We don’t put as much emphasize on giving and others the rest of the year.

Or maybe you & your family does. I know that our daily events get in the way I/we forget or choose not to focus on it. I’ve got a lot going on in my life daily that I’d rather not think of everyone else’s problems. As harsh as that may sound, it’s true and I know I’m not the only that thinks like this. It’s not meant to be mean or offensive to anyone but it is the truth.

Let me be real with you right now. My attitude, words, and thoughts have been anything but thankful these couple of days, almost a week. I see myself being thankful in certain moments or when things go a certain way. I’m seeing that I’m not so thankful when those moments aren’t going my way or something unexpectedly happens that throws a wrench in my plans. I have been spewing words of anger, hate, and just plain nasty words to my family. This is not ok. This isn’t me being the best me that I can be. This isn’t me setting a good example for my children. This isn’t me being a safe/happy place for my family to enjoy. I’m wallowing in my own self pity and getting so mad about something that won’t even matter next week. And if it will matter next week, it’s not even a big deal. I am not liking this side of me at all. I feel awful and horrible about how I’ve been treating my family and the words that have been coming out of my mouth. I am ashamed and would be embarrassed if anyone overheard me.

 

And so because of this, I am giving myself a challenge. You can join me if you’d like, you can help hold me accountable, you can just simply read my posts, or you can do nothing. All are acceptable and perfectly fine for you.

Starting January 1, 2015 I am going to be posting what I am thankful for every day for 365 days. It seems like a big task and. Bit overwhelming. I mean, I can’t even post for 30 days what I’m thankful for, what makes me think that I can do 365? I have no idea! But I am going to challenge myself. This is something that I am doing for myself and no one else. I’m not proving anything to anyone. The one reason I am making a public statement is, mostly, for accountability. Plus, I know someone else out there will need to check their attitude & words also. I’m not the only person out there having this negative nancy on their shoulder.

Im putting a stop to it before it gets too far out of hand. I’m the only person that can control this. I’m the only person that can make myself change. I cannot do it for anyone else but myself. I’m sure that by the end I will be a happier person.

Will I have days where I don’t want to find the good and be thankful for something? Yes. Will it be hard to come up with so many things? Sure. Will I miss a day? Or two? Probably! In the end though, it’s not about how many days in a row I did this. Or how many days in a row I missed. It’s a heart thing. It’s a happy heart thing. It’s always about the heart. Good and evil. It’s a heart and mindset kinda thing.

Let’s change our hearts & minds so that we can become the change we want to see I our spouses, kiddos, family members, friends, and communities. Sounds super cheesy, I know.

But I also know that it’s true.

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I’m a selfish best friend

Disclaimer: this is my pity party. I am writing this the same day that I received the news. This will be published days after the news was broke to me. I know this makes me sound incredibly selfish and not a very good best friend at all but this is how I honestly feel. This is me being real with my initial feelings about this. Will I always feel like this? No. Will it take time? Yes. (This was written on 11/24/14). 

 

My mind is all over the place, my heart is broken, there’s a constant lump in my throat, and tears ready to run down my face at any given moment.

^ This is how I’ve been feeling all day today since this morning when my best friend told me that she was moving. I feel like kicking and screaming and demanding that she isn’t allowed to do this to me.

I’ve always had friends. I don’t ever remember a time that I didn’t have friends. Friends come and go. Some stay for awhile and some are gone as fast as they developed. Some make us stronger, some make smarter, and some make us better. I’ve had all kinds of friends. I’ve had great friends and I’ve had friends that have stabbed me in the back. I have a few friends that I call real friends. A few that are best friends. And even fewer friends that I call family. This girl is family.

I’ve  only met this friend a little over a year ago. I didn’t even know she existed until September (maybe) of 2013. We’ve grown close fast and I wouldn’t trade any of what I’ve been through with her…..even if it meant she wouldn’t move. I feel like a little girl who’s friend is moving and they just cry and cry.

I was so shocked when I read the Facebook message from her. At first I wondered why she didn’t tell me in person but on the other hand I was glad she didn’t because I probably would have started crying. And not the pretty cry either, the dreaded ugly cry. As thrilled as I am for her & her family (and I truly am), I would like nothing better than if everything just fell apart & they ended up staying here. I know that is incredible selfish of me. I know that no best friend really wants this to happen. I know that this is part of Gods plan for them. I know that I want the best for the her (and her family), even if that means I can’t be apart of her daily life anymore.

There was so much that I was looking forward to doing with her and her new born daughter. Our girls are only 4 months apart. I thought we were going to raise them together. I thought they’d grow up together and be bffs. I am now having to put my wants aside and plan new things.

(I know all this may sound pathetic to some that I am this upset about my friend moving but there are those few friends who mean so much more than just another friend.)

She’s only moving two hours away, so day visits aren’t out of the question. I would get to visit a city that I’ve never been to. Those are the only positives that I can find right now. Plus, I’m the only one here that knows she’s moving. I can’t even have a pity party with our other friends about this! It’s going to happen so quickly too. They are planning on being moved and settled into their new lives by the first of the year. I won’t have time to process much of this by the time she gone.

And my 2 year old. My 2 year old daughter absolutely loves her. Tells me she wants her all the time. The smile and happiness that spreads all over her face when she sees her Gigi is irreplaceable. I hope she takes this news better than I am. Plus side is, again, she’s only two hours away.

Im still trying to process what I was told, the time in which it’s happening, and the fact that she won’t be here anymore. Why now? Why this fast?

I have other friends and best friends here in this town & I don’t want any of them moving and would be just has upset if they told me this news. I thought our circle would be here forever and we’d raise our kiddos together and be old before our circle was broken up. I am just so sad. But I know these plans aren’t mine and they aren’t even hers, they are His and they are perfect.

I will miss you so much friend.

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41 weeks, Baby #6

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Thanks again to my 8 year old professional photographer 😉

I am a day early in posting my weekly update but I figured since I had my appointment this morning & there really is no reason to wait one day.
So here is the recap from week 40 & my appointment!

I have still had a lot of pressure going on. One morning this week (I cannot remember the exact date right now) I woke up at 5am to contractions and they were anywhere from 10-20 minutes apart. They kept going for 2 hours and then completely stopped. I thought maybe if I walked then things would get moving again. I got the girls ready (2 boys were still sleeping & 1 boy was at summer school) and I figured I would just walk around our house for a bit. I ended up walking for 30 minutes. Nothing. Been eating jalapenos with at least one meal a day. Nothing. I have been doing pressure points in my feet. Nothing. Eating pineapple also. Nothing. I know that a lot of people have been suggesting sex but because of a work related accident, as a precaution, we have been using protection when we have sex. So the theory that his sperm will do anything to start labor, just won’t work this time around. Not saying we haven’t tried this time around but not sure how well it will work. I have also had my bloody show for days now….nothing is coming from this sign either!
This child must be too cozy to even think about coming.
I had two days worth of a headache plus swelling in my feet that went along with it. I called my dr to make sure there wasn’t any cause for concern. The temps have been higher this week & I wasn’t sure if that was causing the swelling or it was connected to the headaches somehow. She told me what my blood pressure should be. Told me that when I took whatever medicine I was taking for the headache to have a soda with it. I did what she said & my headache went away within 30-60 minutes. I will have to remember this & do it every time I have a headache!

Everything checked out for me and Baby W this morning. Nothing to be concerned about.
Only gained a pound or 2 since last week. Blood pressure was fine. Baby’s heartbeat was 147.
Last week I was dilated 2cm, this week I am 3cm. I am 50% effaced and at a -2. She didn’t strip my membranes this time because she said there wasn’t much to strip. I’m taking that as a good thing?!
We talked about scheduling an induction & what she wanted to do for that. She wants to start me out using a bulb that they fill up with saline water. After checking me she said she wasn’t sure how much it would help since I am dilating on my own & contracting on my own. She wants to do this before using Pitocin. If she needs to use Pitocin with me, then she will use a slower drip compared to her patients that aren’t having a vbac.

My induction is scheduled for 5:30am on Sunday morning. I have to call the hospital at 4:45am to make sure that there is a bed available for me. That is going to be an early morning!!

I am hoping & praying that I can get things going on my own between now and then. I would much rather not be induced! Will try everything I can over these next few days to get contractions going on my own. Prayers about/for this would be much appreciated!

The next update will have a picture of Baby W in it!!!! 🙂

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When will this baby come!?

I don’t have this answer.

What I do know is that I am trying my hardest to relish what time I have left of this pregnancy. This could be the last time I feel one of my children from the inside. The last time that I carry around a belly that sparks conversation no matter where I go. The last time that I feel little hiccups that make my belly jump.
I have been pregnant more than I haven’t. I’ve never gone very long without carrying a baby inside me. The thought that this could be my last time, throws me back a bit. To not experience any of this again is a little mind blowing.

As my days are numbered with this little one growing inside my belly, I’ve been thinking about all this. I’ve become a bit emotional about it. Half of me wants to stay pregnant as long as I possibly can and the other half wants to get this show on the road so I can meet this baby!
I’m not sure what to do with or how to process all these emotions at one time and in such a short amount of time.

I know this baby will come on His terms. No matter what I do, this baby’s birthday is completely out of my hands. Again, part of me is completely fine with that and part of me is not.

I want to hold this baby. I want to smell that newborn smell. I want to experience labor & delivery one more time. I want to meet our 6th child.

I don’t normally blog this late but my thoughts aren’t letting me relax and I needed to get this out. My mind is going rapidly and a crazy these last few days because this pregnancy is coming to an end…..and very soon.

All I want is a healthy baby and a successful vbac delivery.

Oh and to hold Landon or Emma 🙂

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40 weeks, Baby #6

 

So here we are….40 weeks & 1 day. Baby W has decided that it’s not time to come and he/she just isn’t ready to grace us with their presence.
Here is a recap of 39 weeks.

Besides just feeling pressure, there wasn’t much going on & no change in anything.
Wednesday evening me & a bestie went walking to try and get things started. We walked 2 miles. Then I came home and went to the store with Mister = more walking. Then we Googled pressure points to help induce labor & then Mister rubbed those points. Nothing came from any of those efforts.
Another bestie of mine has been out of town helping one of her family members & Mister said that this baby is probably waiting on her to come back into town. Well, she stopped by yesterday and told Baby W that it was ok to come anytime now! We’ll see how well Baby listens 😉
And then last night happened. We had eaten dinner, our family that is in town had gone back to their hotel, and the kiddos were getting ready to have a cupcake. I was sitting on the couch & I felt a ton of pressure building up on the under part of my belly. At first I figured that it was just pressure and nothing would come from it. Well then it started to build again and I had to close my eyes and concentrate & then the discomfort/pain went down. These contractions started to be consistent & started to become more painful. Mister finally said that I needed to start timing them. He could tell by the way that I was acting & getting irritated when people talked to me that these were the real deal. At first I wasn’t sure just because of the way they felt. They weren’t what I remembered with my other 4 labors (I never labored with baby #5). I said that I would start timing them after I went to the bathroom. Went to the bathroom and decided to get my shower in at that time instead of waiting until later in the evening…just in case. Nothing happened after I got up from the couch. Everything stopped. No pain. No contractions. No nothing. I was so bummed. I really thought it was about to be go time. Since it stopped, we did the pressure points again. Nothing happened over night. This takes us to this morning (Friday). I had my appointment this morning and was ready to see what the dr would have to say & see if I had dilated more since last week.

Everything checked out just fine with me (weight & blood pressure). We talked about induction options. There is a small chance that my uterus could rupture period because of having a prior csection. My risk increases (not by much) when you put the option in of using pitocin. I would really not like to add a higher chance of my uterus rupturing if it’s not needed. My dr knows this and we are on the same page. She will allow me to go all of next week to go into labor on my own but if I don’t, then we will schedule an induction for the last week of July. She asked if I wanted to be checked and I said yes. I wanted to know if I dilated more with everything that was going on. I am still at 2cm, no biggie. I asked her if she would do a membrane sweep & she said she would. I told her to go ahead and do it. Boy was that more painful than I remember! Of course I had some spotting afterwards and have had some cramping but that’s to be expected. My next appointment is scheduled for Wednesday the 23rd if there is no baby before then.
Hopefully I can get this baby to come on his/her own! I do not want to be induced or have another csection! I will continue to try natural ways to get things moving & pray it works!
If something happens between now and my next appointment, I will definitely update 🙂

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40 weeks & 1 day (July 18, 2014)

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Week long camp

Our oldest son has been gone since Monday morning.
This is the first time that he has been gone for this long this far away from home.

When we signed him up for this camp months ago he was very excited about going! We’ve heard nothing but great things about kids going to this camp and wanted him to experience it as well.
Feelings changed over this past weekend when it came time to actually pack his bag. He did not want anything to do with packing or going to this camp. He felt like he would get too homesick and miss us too much. Completely understandable, I mean he is only 10 year old. We reassured him that he would probably miss us but that was ok & he would be having too much fun anyway! He didn’t like that answer and just knew that we were wrong.
We were packing his suitcase Sunday evening & checking items off the list that was provided for us. As he was packing more and more, he slowly started to become more excited about camp. Towards the end of him packing up, he tried one more time to get us to let him stay home. He promised that he would pay all the money back that we spent signing him up for camp. I had to explain to him a few times that it wasn’t about the money, even if it was free to attend. This was about him going somewhere that would impact his life & he would, hopefully & prayerfully, come back with a different heart than when he left.

{Disclaimer: He doesn’t have a bad heart to begin with. What I mean is him beginning changed by this experience and coming out with more knowledge about God and himself.}

Monday morning rolled around and, again, he was excited as we were putting his things in the truck and on the drive to our church. We had to be there before the bus arrived so that we could get him all signed in & all that good stuff. I think the wait & the fact that he had time to think started to upset him again. He was fine loading his items on the bus but when it came time to get a group picture & actually get on the bus is when he started to cry. We let him know that he was going with kids & adults that he knew, he would have so much fun (they were able to pick the activities they wanted to do when we signed him up), and that there would be so much going on that he wouldn’t have time to miss us. Again, that didn’t work.
Markcampcopass4
As much as we love our son and don’t want him to be scared or anything, we knew that we had to push him into this. We knew that he would have fun. We knew that he would get so much out of attending this camp. We knew that he had to go. We kissed & hugged him, said we loved him, and let him know that he’d be back before he knew it, & sent him on his way. We stayed until the bus pulled away in case he was watching out the window….we couldn’t figure out where he was sitting.

A friend of ours had to end up driving her son down to the camp & her daughter texted me to let me know that they saw him and he was having fun…..shocker!!! Plus one of the leaders have been tagging me in pictures on Facebook of him. Here are some 🙂
MarkcampcopassMarkcampcopass2Markcampcopass3

Looks like he’s having a great time to me 🙂

He comes back this Friday & I can’t wait to see him and hear all about his week 🙂