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Closing chapters in our lives

Closing chapters in our lives are hard. Whether it be a job, friends, volunteering, or even family…closing those doors aren’t always something you want to do. Sometimes we have to close those doors in order to be a better us. Closing those doors could even equal us living a better life. Reducing stress, cutting the negative out, or maybe a bad influence. 
I personally feel that we should tell the person how you feel and not just cut the cord with no explanation. And then there are times that it’s just best to cut that cord. Talking to this person/people won’t make your choice better and could even make things worse. You have to pick which battle you are willing to fight in. 
Whatever door you are closing for whatever reason, we need to be asking God to give us peace with this choice. If this door is meant to be closed rather than closed because that’s just what we want, He’ll close it. We are not to force things to happen just because that’s what we want or because that’s what feels good in the moment. God is bigger than us and His plan is better than ours. 
Let’s step back for a moment (or two or ten) and wait on Him to give us the directions and actions we should do. Doing the opposite of His will for us will not just hurt us but also those around us. 
Pray. Wait. Listen. Praise.

Written on 10/21/15

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It could happen to any of us

I had a topic about closing chapters in your life that I was going to talk about tonight. Something happened today that I think needs to be talked about more. 
Our kiddos. We all have those moments/days where we want to pull our hair out because we just cannot make it one more minute with them. We all have those days when we look at our children and ask God how we got so lucky to have been given such an amazing child. Then there are the days where we don’t think about either one of those things. 

You hear on the news about horrible things happening to children and for that moment, you appreciate yours just a little bit more. Even may hug them a little tighter that night. 
We take our children for granted most of the time. I think most of us always have it in the back of our minds that those bad things won’t happen to our children. On any day at any moment, it can and will. 
Today was our day. 
One of our kiddos went missing after school. No one could find him. His teachers started looking in every unlocked room in the school. Looked all over the playground. He wasn’t there. One of his teachers even got in her car and went driving around looking for him. Time was ticking and the staff thought that the police needed to be called in order to help look for him. She printed off his yearbook picture along with our phone numbers, the schools number, and a description of what he was wearing today. Mister was on his way up to the school when he found out the police were getting involved. While all this was going on two of our friends where helping. One was helping to look around the school and the other went to our house to look for him. Once the officer arrived he collected the fliers and waited for mister to arrive. While we were waiting my friend pulled up with our kiddo in her car, she had found him! Thank God for her and for finding him! Our kiddo didn’t see me right away after school and decided to walk home. This is unlike him so I didn’t think that’s what happened. He was safe so the details didn’t matter to me. 
There will be days when he will still drive me up the wall and I’ll want to hang him by his toes. There will be days where I’ll still take him for granted. I will try my best to not take any of my kiddos for granted anymore. This had to have been one of the scariest moments of my life. Not knowing where my child was, who had him, and what was happening to him. Those thoughts take a mind of their own when something like this happens. Make an effort to back up and chill. Look at your child and just be thankful. That child could be taken from you at any moment….and it doesn’t matter how good of a parent you think you are. Love those kiddos more today than you did yesterday. Put down those walls and love them like there is no tomorrow.

Written on 10/16/15

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My Momma Heart

Oh is my Mama heart hurting big time tonight!
We’ve all been there on those days when we are telling our kiddos to pick up their rooms. Sometimes you have to go in there and tell them to stop fighting and/or playing around. Work as a team to get their room cleaned up. 
Oh and how many threats we pull out to get them to do these things! More than 90% of those threats have just been smoke up their rear ends I’m sure! I know because I use empty threats all the time. 
Today was a day that my threat wasn’t empty. Today was a day that I actually followed through with what I said I was going to do. Today was a day that my Mama heart broke. 
I heard the boys playing and fighting in their room again after going in there several times, telling them to stop, and threatening to throw whatever was on the floor that belonged to them away. Two of my boys didn’t take me seriously. One of those boys had to throw his own stuff away. The other boy didn’t want to listen (again) so I had to bring the trash can in his room myself and throw it away as he’s screaming at me that he wants his stuff and asking for another chance. That’s same boy continues his tantrum and decides to take his homework out of his binder, erase all his homework that he spent his afternoon completing, and scribble all over it. I then decided to write his teacher a note over the scribble and tell her to not allow him to get another sheet and that there are consequences for his actions and the grade he gets is one of them. 
As I was watching my son who had to throw his own things away carry his belongings outside and dump them in our big green trash can outside and watching him cry made me want to sneak outside while he was sleeping and take it all out. My other son is also very upset about his things being thrown away. When he realized he wasn’t going to be able to redo his homework, he became even more upset because he was going to get a life skills mark. 
As I’m writing this one of these sons keeps going into our bedroom begging to have one more chance and that he’ll even get his brothers things out of the green trash can if I do give him this last chance. As much as I want to (and I really do want to) give both of my boys another chance, I cannot. I have to stand firm and follow through with what I said I was going to do. If I’m not willing to follow through with my threats, then I shouldn’t make them in the first place. I had to explain to them that if I didn’t love and care for them, then I would’ve continued to allow them to misbehave, be rude, disrespectful, and disobedient towards me. But because I love them I had to do this. 
How many times has God had to take something away from me because I just wouldn’t listen? How many chances is God willing to give me before He must put His foot down? As much as it breaks my heart…man, I can only imagine how it breaks His. I’ve asked so many times for things to be different or to have something back that was taken from me. But if I would’ve gotten what I asked for them I wouldn’t have learned what I did and wouldn’t have realized that because He takes He really does love me. 
So Mamas out there…showing your children consequences isn’t unloving or mean but a must to show them your position & to be taken seriously. Just make sure that you are ready to follow through with whatever threat you give them….no matter how much you don’t want to or how much it hurts. 
Press on Mamas…..tomorrow is another day to show more love and grace.

Written on 09/29/15

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#365daysofthanks – 2/365

Today is January 2nd.

I was actually struggling to find something to be thankful for all day. It just wasn’t a very good day here in our house. We had moments but overall, I’m glad it’s bed time.

I was originally going to say that I was thankful for the rain we are getting today. We live in Texas and are currently in a severe drought, stage 5 to be exact. So when we get rain, everyone is thanking God for it.

Then I got to thinking that I really needed to look for something that might not be so obvious, something that wasn’t right in my face.

Everyone had had gone to bed and it was close to 9pm and still hadn’t found something to write about. And then I was playing with Emma, just her and I. And I looked in her eyes and thought, man am I so thankful for you!

(In case you are new or don’t remember, as I didn’t and had to go back and read it, here are my thoughts when I finding out I was pregnant with our 6th child)

I wasn’t always so excited that this baby would be here. I didn’t want this baby to be here. now when I look at her, I can’t imagine my life without her. She is only 5 months old and it feels like she’s been much longer than that and other times it feels like she just got here. The majority of the time (when I have those moments to reflect) it feels like she was always supposed to be here. And I know that she was in His plans the whole time. I love her so much it hurts sometimes. I cherish her a bit more than my other babies because I feel like she is my last baby. I probably won’t have these moments again. I know that I need to soak them up as much as I can.

I am so thankful for this baby that I cried about when I found out that I was pregnant with her and wished that God would give her to someone else (true story. I even told God who I wanted him to give my baby to). I am so glad He didn’t listen to ย me. I’m so glad that He gave her to me. Emma will always be my baby and be my own personal proof that His plans are always better than mine.

 

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No yelling: Day 2 & 3

Well I can’t say that I’ve been very successful at this no yelling thing. All I want to do is blame the kiddos and say that if they wouldn’t whine/cry/complain/do what kids do then I wouldn’t have to yell. But in the end, it’s not their fault and blaming them would be a lie. It would be a copout. It would be childish of me. It would be wrong.

Do their attitudes,whining, cry, and other emotions get under my skin? Absolutely! They wear on me to the point that is like nothing better to do than pull my hair out and send them on a hike! I would like to control the volume and sound just like a TV with them. I would like to duct tape them to the wall so they can’t push, shove, and hit each other. Boy, would that make life a bit easier!

I have to swallow my pride and only blame myself for my attitude and actions. I need to learn techniques that have me step back, take a moment, and then deal with whatever is going on. I don’t always have to argue back, have the last word, or be right. What I should always strive for is to solve the problem not add to it. I shouldn’t have to feel so drained within the first 30 minutes of them being home from school. I shouldn’t have a countdown of when they go back to school in the back of my mind. I need to change my mindset. I need to change the way I deal with things and maybe it’ll run off on them. What a concept I just thought of!
{insert sarcasm}

The sad part is that I already know all this stuff. I know that I should back off and then deal with my kiddos. I know that I need to set the example to them on how to deal with conflict and unfairness and other people. All I’m showing is anger and loss of control. Horrible example to my kiddos.

I need to make the effort to do what I know I should be doing. All my kiddos are doing is a reflection of what I’m doing. And I’m getting mad at them for being just like me! So silly!

All my kiddos are over being sick, I’m out of the house today, and all my school aged kiddos have a Christmas party at school today I’m going to make an effort to think before I speak and/or act. I am going to set a new tone and example in my house. I’m going to be the change I want to see in my kiddos.

If not me, then who?

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#30daysofthanks

You all know this hashtag by now, I mean it is the end of November.

I think that I always jump on this bandwagon every year. I don’t think there’s ever been a year that I actually completed 30 days. And seeing the lack of posts in my newsfeed by the end of the month, I’m not the only one. They say 21 days makes a habit but I can never make it that far into the month, ha!

So, if I don’t finish my #30daysofthanks, does that mean I’m not thankful!?

Absolutely not!

I think we should be thankful for everything, everyday. I know that more people are than aren’t. I understand why it’s more focused on in November. This time of year brings to our attention why we should be thankful for what we have and how great our lives actually are. Our focus kinda gets put on the back burner the other 95% of the year. I can totally see how and why that happens. Life happens. Life gets in the way. Our lives are our bubbles and sometimes the things that happen in our bubble are just so consuming that we forget to look outside our bubble. What happens in my bubble may not be a big deal in your bubble and vice versa. We tend to not be as merry and bright the rest of the year. We don’t put as much emphasize on giving and others the rest of the year.

Or maybe you & your family does. I know that our daily events get in the way I/we forget or choose not to focus on it. I’ve got a lot going on in my life daily that I’d rather not think of everyone else’s problems. As harsh as that may sound, it’s true and I know I’m not the only that thinks like this. It’s not meant to be mean or offensive to anyone but it is the truth.

Let me be real with you right now. My attitude, words, and thoughts have been anything but thankful these couple of days, almost a week. I see myself being thankful in certain moments or when things go a certain way. I’m seeing that I’m not so thankful when those moments aren’t going my way or something unexpectedly happens that throws a wrench in my plans. I have been spewing words of anger, hate, and just plain nasty words to my family. This is not ok. This isn’t me being the best me that I can be. This isn’t me setting a good example for my children. This isn’t me being a safe/happy place for my family to enjoy. I’m wallowing in my own self pity and getting so mad about something that won’t even matter next week. And if it will matter next week, it’s not even a big deal. I am not liking this side of me at all. I feel awful and horrible about how I’ve been treating my family and the words that have been coming out of my mouth. I am ashamed and would be embarrassed if anyone overheard me.

 

And so because of this, I am giving myself a challenge. You can join me if you’d like, you can help hold me accountable, you can just simply read my posts, or you can do nothing. All are acceptable and perfectly fine for you.

Starting January 1, 2015 I am going to be posting what I am thankful for every day for 365 days. It seems like a big task and. Bit overwhelming. I mean, I can’t even post for 30 days what I’m thankful for, what makes me think that I can do 365? I have no idea! But I am going to challenge myself. This is something that I am doing for myself and no one else. I’m not proving anything to anyone. The one reason I am making a public statement is, mostly, for accountability. Plus, I know someone else out there will need to check their attitude & words also. I’m not the only person out there having this negative nancy on their shoulder.

Im putting a stop to it before it gets too far out of hand. I’m the only person that can control this. I’m the only person that can make myself change. I cannot do it for anyone else but myself. I’m sure that by the end I will be a happier person.

Will I have days where I don’t want to find the good and be thankful for something? Yes. Will it be hard to come up with so many things? Sure. Will I miss a day? Or two? Probably! In the end though, it’s not about how many days in a row I did this. Or how many days in a row I missed. It’s a heart thing. It’s a happy heart thing. It’s always about the heart. Good and evil. It’s a heart and mindset kinda thing.

Let’s change our hearts & minds so that we can become the change we want to see I our spouses, kiddos, family members, friends, and communities. Sounds super cheesy, I know.

But I also know that it’s true.

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I’m a selfish best friend

Disclaimer: this is my pity party. I am writing this the same day that I received the news. This will be published days after the news was broke to me. I know this makes me sound incredibly selfish and not a very good best friend at all but this is how I honestly feel. This is me being real with my initial feelings about this. Will I always feel like this? No. Will it take time? Yes. (This was written on 11/24/14).ย 

 

My mind is all over the place, my heart is broken, there’s a constant lump in my throat, and tears ready to run down my face at any given moment.

^ This is how I’ve been feeling all day today since this morning when my best friend told me that she was moving. I feel like kicking and screaming and demanding that she isn’t allowed to do this to me.

I’ve always had friends. I don’t ever remember a time that I didn’t have friends. Friends come and go. Some stay for awhile and some are gone as fast as they developed. Some make us stronger, some make smarter, and some make us better. I’ve had all kinds of friends. I’ve had great friends and I’ve had friends that have stabbed me in the back. I have a few friends that I call real friends. A few that are best friends. And even fewer friends that I call family. This girl is family.

I’ve ย only met this friend a little over a year ago. I didn’t even know she existed until September (maybe) of 2013. We’ve grown close fast and I wouldn’tย trade any of what I’ve been through with her…..even if it meant she wouldn’t move. I feel like a little girl who’s friend is moving and they just cry and cry.

I was so shocked when I read the Facebook message from her. At first I wondered why she didn’t tell me in person but on the other hand I was glad she didn’t because I probably would have started crying. And not the pretty cry either, the dreaded ugly cry. As thrilled as I am for her & her family (and I truly am), I would like nothing better than if everything just fell apart & they ended up staying here. I know that is incredible selfish of me. I know that no best friend really wants this to happen. I know that this is part of Gods plan for them. I know that I want the best for the her (and her family), even if that means I can’t be apart of her daily life anymore.

There was so much that I was looking forward to doing with her and her new born daughter. Our girls are only 4 months apart. I thought we were going to raise them together. I thought they’d grow up together and be bffs. I am now having to put my wants aside and plan new things.

(I know all this may sound pathetic to some that I am this upset about my friend moving but there are those few friends who mean so much more than just another friend.)

She’s only moving two hours away, so day visits aren’t out of the question. I would get to visit a city that I’ve never been to. Those are the only positives that I can find right now. Plus, I’m the only one here that knows she’s moving. I can’t even have a pity party with our other friends about this! It’s going to happen so quickly too. They are planning on being moved and settled into their new lives by the first of the year. I won’t have time to process much of this by the time she gone.

And my 2 year old. My 2 year old daughter absolutely loves her. Tells me she wants her all the time. The smile and happiness that spreads all over her face when she sees her Gigi is irreplaceable. I hope she takes this news better than I am. Plus side is, again, she’s only two hours away.

Im still trying to process what I was told, the time in which it’s happening, and the fact that she won’t be here anymore. Why now? Why this fast?

I have other friends and best friends here in this town & I don’t want any of them moving and would be just has upset if they told me this news. I thought our circle would be here forever and we’d raise our kiddos together and be old before our circle was broken up. I am just so sad. But I know these plans aren’t mine and they aren’t even hers, they are His and they are perfect.

I will miss you so much friend.

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41 weeks, Baby #6

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Thanks again to my 8 year old professional photographer ๐Ÿ˜‰

I am a day early in posting my weekly update but I figured since I had my appointment this morning & there really is no reason to wait one day.
So here is the recap from week 40 & my appointment!

I have still had a lot of pressure going on. One morning this week (I cannot remember the exact date right now) I woke up at 5am to contractions and they were anywhere from 10-20 minutes apart. They kept going for 2 hours and then completely stopped. I thought maybe if I walked then things would get moving again. I got the girls ready (2 boys were still sleeping & 1 boy was at summer school) and I figured I would just walk around our house for a bit. I ended up walking for 30 minutes. Nothing. Been eating jalapenos with at least one meal a day. Nothing. I have been doing pressure points in my feet. Nothing. Eating pineapple also. Nothing. I know that a lot of people have been suggesting sex but because of a work related accident, as a precaution, we have been using protection when we have sex. So the theory that his sperm will do anything to start labor, just won’t work this time around. Not saying we haven’t tried this time around but not sure how well it will work. I have also had my bloody show for days now….nothing is coming from this sign either!
This child must be too cozy to even think about coming.
I had two days worth of a headache plus swelling in my feet that went along with it. I called my dr to make sure there wasn’t any cause for concern. The temps have been higher this week & I wasn’t sure if that was causing the swelling or it was connected to the headaches somehow. She told me what my blood pressure should be. Told me that when I took whatever medicine I was taking for the headache to have a soda with it. I did what she said & my headache went away within 30-60 minutes. I will have to remember this & do it every time I have a headache!

Everything checked out for me and Baby W this morning. Nothing to be concerned about.
Only gained a pound or 2 since last week. Blood pressure was fine. Baby’s heartbeat was 147.
Last week I was dilated 2cm, this week I am 3cm. I am 50% effaced and at a -2. She didn’t strip my membranes this time because she said there wasn’t much to strip. I’m taking that as a good thing?!
We talked about scheduling an induction & what she wanted to do for that. She wants to start me out using a bulb that they fill up with saline water. After checking me she said she wasn’t sure how much it would help since I am dilating on my own & contracting on my own. She wants to do this before using Pitocin. If she needs to use Pitocin with me, then she will use a slower drip compared to her patients that aren’t having a vbac.

My induction is scheduled for 5:30am on Sunday morning. I have to call the hospital at 4:45am to make sure that there is a bed available for me. That is going to be an early morning!!

I am hoping & praying that I can get things going on my own between now and then. I would much rather not be induced! Will try everything I can over these next few days to get contractions going on my own. Prayers about/for this would be much appreciated!

The next update will have a picture of Baby W in it!!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

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When will this baby come!?

I don’t have this answer.

What I do know is that I am trying my hardest to relish what time I have left of this pregnancy. This could be the last time I feel one of my children from the inside. The last time that I carry around a belly that sparks conversation no matter where I go. The last time that I feel little hiccups that make my belly jump.
I have been pregnant more than I haven’t. I’ve never gone very long without carrying a baby inside me. The thought that this could be my last time, throws me back a bit. To not experience any of this again is a little mind blowing.

As my days are numbered with this little one growing inside my belly, I’ve been thinking about all this. I’ve become a bit emotional about it. Half of me wants to stay pregnant as long as I possibly can and the other half wants to get this show on the road so I can meet this baby!
I’m not sure what to do with or how to process all these emotions at one time and in such a short amount of time.

I know this baby will come on His terms. No matter what I do, this baby’s birthday is completely out of my hands. Again, part of me is completely fine with that and part of me is not.

I want to hold this baby. I want to smell that newborn smell. I want to experience labor & delivery one more time. I want to meet our 6th child.

I don’t normally blog this late but my thoughts aren’t letting me relax and I needed to get this out. My mind is going rapidly and a crazy these last few days because this pregnancy is coming to an end…..and very soon.

All I want is a healthy baby and a successful vbac delivery.

Oh and to hold Landon or Emma ๐Ÿ™‚

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40 weeks, Baby #6

 

So here we are….40 weeks & 1 day. Baby W has decided that it’s not time to come and he/she just isn’t ready to grace us with their presence.
Here is a recap of 39 weeks.

Besides just feeling pressure, there wasn’t much going on & no change in anything.
Wednesday evening me & a bestie went walking to try and get things started. We walked 2 miles. Then I came home and went to the store with Mister = more walking. Then we Googled pressure points to help induce labor & then Mister rubbed those points. Nothing came from any of those efforts.
Another bestie of mine has been out of town helping one of her family members & Mister said that this baby is probably waiting on her to come back into town. Well, she stopped by yesterday and told Baby W that it was ok to come anytime now! We’ll see how well Baby listens ๐Ÿ˜‰
And then last night happened. We had eaten dinner, our family that is in town had gone back to their hotel, and the kiddos were getting ready to have a cupcake. I was sitting on the couch & I felt a ton of pressure building up on the under part of my belly. At first I figured that it was just pressure and nothing would come from it. Well then it started to build again and I had to close my eyes and concentrate & then the discomfort/pain went down. These contractions started to be consistent & started to become more painful. Mister finally said that I needed to start timing them. He could tell by the way that I was acting & getting irritated when people talked to me that these were the real deal. At first I wasn’t sure just because of the way they felt. They weren’t what I remembered with my other 4 labors (I never labored with baby #5). I said that I would start timing them after I went to the bathroom. Went to the bathroom and decided to get my shower in at that time instead of waiting until later in the evening…just in case. Nothing happened after I got up from the couch. Everything stopped. No pain. No contractions. No nothing. I was so bummed. I really thought it was about to be go time. Since it stopped, we did the pressure points again. Nothing happened over night. This takes us to this morning (Friday). I had my appointment this morning and was ready to see what the dr would have to say & see if I had dilated more since last week.

Everything checked out just fine with me (weight & blood pressure). We talked about induction options. There is a small chance that my uterus could rupture period because of having a prior csection. My risk increases (not by much) when you put the option in of using pitocin. I would really not like to add a higher chance of my uterus rupturing if it’s not needed. My dr knows this and we are on the same page. She will allow me to go all of next week to go into labor on my own but if I don’t, then we will schedule an induction for the last week of July. She asked if I wanted to be checked and I said yes. I wanted to know if I dilated more with everything that was going on. I am still at 2cm, no biggie. I asked her if she would do a membrane sweep & she said she would. I told her to go ahead and do it. Boy was that more painful than I remember! Of course I had some spotting afterwards and have had some cramping but that’s to be expected. My next appointment is scheduled for Wednesday the 23rd if there is no baby before then.
Hopefully I can get this baby to come on his/her own! I do not want to be induced or have another csection! I will continue to try natural ways to get things moving & pray it works!
If something happens between now and my next appointment, I will definitely update ๐Ÿ™‚

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40 weeks & 1 day (July 18, 2014)