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I’m a selfish best friend

Disclaimer: this is my pity party. I am writing this the same day that I received the news. This will be published days after the news was broke to me. I know this makes me sound incredibly selfish and not a very good best friend at all but this is how I honestly feel. This is me being real with my initial feelings about this. Will I always feel like this? No. Will it take time? Yes. (This was written on 11/24/14). 

 

My mind is all over the place, my heart is broken, there’s a constant lump in my throat, and tears ready to run down my face at any given moment.

^ This is how I’ve been feeling all day today since this morning when my best friend told me that she was moving. I feel like kicking and screaming and demanding that she isn’t allowed to do this to me.

I’ve always had friends. I don’t ever remember a time that I didn’t have friends. Friends come and go. Some stay for awhile and some are gone as fast as they developed. Some make us stronger, some make smarter, and some make us better. I’ve had all kinds of friends. I’ve had great friends and I’ve had friends that have stabbed me in the back. I have a few friends that I call real friends. A few that are best friends. And even fewer friends that I call family. This girl is family.

I’ve  only met this friend a little over a year ago. I didn’t even know she existed until September (maybe) of 2013. We’ve grown close fast and I wouldn’t trade any of what I’ve been through with her…..even if it meant she wouldn’t move. I feel like a little girl who’s friend is moving and they just cry and cry.

I was so shocked when I read the Facebook message from her. At first I wondered why she didn’t tell me in person but on the other hand I was glad she didn’t because I probably would have started crying. And not the pretty cry either, the dreaded ugly cry. As thrilled as I am for her & her family (and I truly am), I would like nothing better than if everything just fell apart & they ended up staying here. I know that is incredible selfish of me. I know that no best friend really wants this to happen. I know that this is part of Gods plan for them. I know that I want the best for the her (and her family), even if that means I can’t be apart of her daily life anymore.

There was so much that I was looking forward to doing with her and her new born daughter. Our girls are only 4 months apart. I thought we were going to raise them together. I thought they’d grow up together and be bffs. I am now having to put my wants aside and plan new things.

(I know all this may sound pathetic to some that I am this upset about my friend moving but there are those few friends who mean so much more than just another friend.)

She’s only moving two hours away, so day visits aren’t out of the question. I would get to visit a city that I’ve never been to. Those are the only positives that I can find right now. Plus, I’m the only one here that knows she’s moving. I can’t even have a pity party with our other friends about this! It’s going to happen so quickly too. They are planning on being moved and settled into their new lives by the first of the year. I won’t have time to process much of this by the time she gone.

And my 2 year old. My 2 year old daughter absolutely loves her. Tells me she wants her all the time. The smile and happiness that spreads all over her face when she sees her Gigi is irreplaceable. I hope she takes this news better than I am. Plus side is, again, she’s only two hours away.

Im still trying to process what I was told, the time in which it’s happening, and the fact that she won’t be here anymore. Why now? Why this fast?

I have other friends and best friends here in this town & I don’t want any of them moving and would be just has upset if they told me this news. I thought our circle would be here forever and we’d raise our kiddos together and be old before our circle was broken up. I am just so sad. But I know these plans aren’t mine and they aren’t even hers, they are His and they are perfect.

I will miss you so much friend.

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I will survive! I hope :/

Most days I don’t know how I will get through the day.
Some days I don’t know how I will get through the next hour.

I think it mostly has to do with the things that I put on myself.
I am adding to my to do list much faster than I can cross things off. I chalk that up to nesting.
Nesting is taking over my brain & my body! I cannot do things fast enough and I am forever adding to what I want to get done.

Notice I said want. I didn’t say need. Most of my lists are wants. There’s nothing wrong with that but I am overwhelming myself more than I actually need to. There are some days I have to tell myself that it’s ok that I don’t get all my items checked off my list. It’s ok that the house isn’t in great condition. I also need to be careful with this grace. I tend to take advantage of this grace & end up doing nothing. Which, again, there is nothing wrong with that.

I have tried to plan things for my kiddos to keep them busy this summer. This adds to my overwhelming feeling too. If they are stuck at home all summer long with nothing to do…we will all go crazy!

I think that no matter how many kiddos a parent has, this applies to all of us at some point. Even though it’s summer time & we, usually, have less to do, we need to make sure that we make time/room for our kiddos to do something & get their energy out!

We are only in the 2nd week of summer where we live & school doesn’t start until the last week of August. That is a lot of days to fill with things to do for my kiddos.
I don’t want every single day to be filled with something. Not only will it wear my out but they just don’t need every minute of every day filled with something.
During the school year, Mondays are usually my ‘do nothing’ days. I think that I am going to keep that going & include the kiddos in this. I know that some Mondays already have something scheduled but that even happens to me during the school year. Nothing wrong with that. No problem with switching Monday with another day during the week. Give yourself that allowance & grace. If it’s not on Monday every week, that’s ok! Sometimes Mondays can be my busiest days. Even though it can upset me that my Mondays get thrown off, I have to remind myself that life isn’t always going to fit into my calendar/agenda. I have to tell myself that just because my ‘do nothing’ day isn’t on a Monday doesn’t mean that I have to wait until next Monday to have this day.

My kiddos deserve a break from having a schedule. And so do I.

I have also found that I am trying to do so much in one day & then beating myself up if I don’t get those things done. Again, I am not a super human. I have to slow down and do what my body can handle. Some days I can do more than others. Some days I am lucky if I do more than just feed my kiddos. I also know that being this pregnant is playing more of a part than I would like to admit. My body just isn’t what it used to be. I cannot do what I used to do & that is *very* frustrating for me!
I tend to be a very independent person & don’t like when I cannot do something myself. I do not like to rely on others to do what I think I can/should be able to do myself. I think that God is trying to make me humble myself and accept help from others when I normally wouldn’t even let others know I needed the help.

With that being said, it’s ok to ask for help! Nothing wrong with saying/telling/letting a friend know that you cannot do this and ask for help. Real/true friends won’t mind helping you out. I have always told my friends that if they ever needed anything then to just ask me. It’s time that I start taking my own advice and seeking out those friends. Which I have and I am so very thankful for those friends that I have in my life.

My point, that I hope y’all can see, is that you (I) may not think you will get through the next day, hour, minute…you will! You cannot do it on your own. As much as you  (I) may want to, you just can’t. You need your spouse, friends, family, & most importantly, God. You won’t be able to do anything without Him. Take a step back, rearrange your list, and see what’s more important. Schedule a ‘do nothing’ day every week! It will help, I promise!

*Disclaimer- what I just typed up is just as much for me as for you. I need to read this later and take my own advice. I don’t have all the answers & I am much better at telling others what they should do than actually doing it myself. I would love to hear your ideas on how you deal with these kind of moments in your life. We have to stick together!*

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Thankful Thursday 05/29/14

[Again, late with the posts but what are you going to do!?]

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I am thankful for strangers turning into acquaintances.
Acquaintances that turned into friends.
Friends who turned into family.

We have never had friends like we have friends now. We have never had friends who want to take our kiddos and spend time with them. We have never had friends who went above & beyond just because they loved us and wanted to.

This is a new concept for Mister and I.
We have also never lived close enough to family where they could watch them or take them if they wanted to whenever the grandparents wanted to. The closest is now with my mom & step dad. They live about an hour away (which is the closest we’ve lived to family in many years) but because of busy schedules on both sides, it’s been hard to get together as often as we would like.

When our friends say that they want to take our kiddos or even just 1 kiddo, I am always a bit hesitant. Not because I don’t trust the person or because I don’t want to share my kiddo but because I don’t want our friends to think it’s something they have to do or anything along those lines. I know they wouldn’t offer if they didn’t want to. Like I said, we have never had friends who wanted to take our kiddo and spend time with them or keep them overnight.

I hope I am explaining this the way that I want/feel & it comes across the way that I want it to.

I am so thankful for friends like this in our life. Not only does it give me & Mister a bit of a break but (most importantly) it’s building relationships with these special people with/for our kiddos. I know that they so enjoy their times with these people & look forward to their time with them. Even if it’s just playing at the park with them.

I didn’t have this growing up as a kiddo and am so thankful that my kiddos have this in theirs. I will never be able to express how thankful I am for these friends that have turned into family.

It may not take a village to raise a kiddo but it does take one to love a kiddo. I cannot be everything to my kiddos all the time & in the ways they need/want. Yes, I am their mother but sometimes they need someone else other than a parent.

If you have this kind of circle of friends & family in your life, please do not take them for granted! Not everyone is as fortunate to have this circle surround them with love. Tell these people who thankful you are that they are in your families life. Tell them you don’t take them for granted. Tell them they are irreplaceable. Love these people like they are family.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to these families that have filled something in our lives that I didn’t even know was missing. We love you very much and are so thankful for each & every one of you. Thank you for everything 🙂 ❤

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Community lovin’

(Get your minds outta the gutter 😉 )

We have lived in 3 different cities since we have been married & never have I wanted to be involved with my community until we moved here. I don’t know if it’s because my kiddos are getting older or because they are involved in things….whatever the reason may be, I am glad that I have this pull to do so.

Being involved doesn’t mean that you have to spend money.
Being involved means knowing what’s going on, attending meetings, attending events, and getting to know the people that live in your community.

I try to take the kiddos to the library at least once a week now.
We are attending more events going on.
I am (trying) to get involved in the groups that are local.
I attend a mom group that meets weekly.
I’ve started an exercise group for our town.

It does take time and planning but if you are planning on staying where you live for awhile, it’s well worth those things.

I think it’s especially important if you have kids. You need to know what’s going on. Know who’s running the town. Know what their plans on, what they are voting on, and what they don’t believe in.

Don’t be afraid to speak up on issues. Don’t be afraid to bring ideas to the table. Don’t be afraid to complain either.
Someone else is saying probably the same thing that you are saying…..”Someone else will do it”. No they won’t. If everyone is saying that then no one is actually doing anything. Will everyone agree with you? I promise they won’t. But that, in no way, should stop you from bringing your voice to the table.

You never know who you will meet when you & your kiddos get involved.
Sign them up for sports. See if your library has weekly events. Check out a mom group.

I promise you will feel about yourself once you step out and just get out there!
At least try it. If you don’t certain things, that’s ok too. Move on. Start something yourself. Just go out and have fun!

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Time is flying!

I cannot believe how fast time is flying by! It honestly feels like yesterday that we were packing up the trailor….but it’s been nearly 3 weeks!

As our last day in NC is nearing there are a ton of emotions that I am feeling….sad, excited, nervous, happy, anxious, and of course alittle doubt. I think those are all normal with something that is changing in such a huge way. I am trying to push all of the things that could happen out of my mind. I know that those things are a possibility but I would rather focus on all the positive that will be happening.

I am excited to get this last leg of our new chapter going! I have been waiting about 18 months to move to Texas & I can’t believe it’s actually happening. It’s still one of those things that I won’t believe it until I see it kinda thing, but there is no backing out now. Especially since all of our things are in Wichita Falls & have been since the 4th of July.

I have joined a mom group on Facebook that is in Wichita Falls. I am hoping to meet them & build friendships with them. I don’t know how I willwon’t get along with but I am hoping for at least one good friend out of it. It will be nice for my kids to make friends as well.

I still can’t believe that this is our last Tuesday living in NC! We have been living in NC since 096 & now we are picking up & moving half way across the country! This is so weird! But I am excited & ready for our new chapter. I believe that this move is the right move & that nothing but goodness can come from it.

I will probably do one last update this weekend before we are hitting the road!