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My Momma Heart

Oh is my Mama heart hurting big time tonight!
We’ve all been there on those days when we are telling our kiddos to pick up their rooms. Sometimes you have to go in there and tell them to stop fighting and/or playing around. Work as a team to get their room cleaned up. 
Oh and how many threats we pull out to get them to do these things! More than 90% of those threats have just been smoke up their rear ends I’m sure! I know because I use empty threats all the time. 
Today was a day that my threat wasn’t empty. Today was a day that I actually followed through with what I said I was going to do. Today was a day that my Mama heart broke. 
I heard the boys playing and fighting in their room again after going in there several times, telling them to stop, and threatening to throw whatever was on the floor that belonged to them away. Two of my boys didn’t take me seriously. One of those boys had to throw his own stuff away. The other boy didn’t want to listen (again) so I had to bring the trash can in his room myself and throw it away as he’s screaming at me that he wants his stuff and asking for another chance. That’s same boy continues his tantrum and decides to take his homework out of his binder, erase all his homework that he spent his afternoon completing, and scribble all over it. I then decided to write his teacher a note over the scribble and tell her to not allow him to get another sheet and that there are consequences for his actions and the grade he gets is one of them. 
As I was watching my son who had to throw his own things away carry his belongings outside and dump them in our big green trash can outside and watching him cry made me want to sneak outside while he was sleeping and take it all out. My other son is also very upset about his things being thrown away. When he realized he wasn’t going to be able to redo his homework, he became even more upset because he was going to get a life skills mark. 
As I’m writing this one of these sons keeps going into our bedroom begging to have one more chance and that he’ll even get his brothers things out of the green trash can if I do give him this last chance. As much as I want to (and I really do want to) give both of my boys another chance, I cannot. I have to stand firm and follow through with what I said I was going to do. If I’m not willing to follow through with my threats, then I shouldn’t make them in the first place. I had to explain to them that if I didn’t love and care for them, then I would’ve continued to allow them to misbehave, be rude, disrespectful, and disobedient towards me. But because I love them I had to do this. 
How many times has God had to take something away from me because I just wouldn’t listen? How many chances is God willing to give me before He must put His foot down? As much as it breaks my heart…man, I can only imagine how it breaks His. I’ve asked so many times for things to be different or to have something back that was taken from me. But if I would’ve gotten what I asked for them I wouldn’t have learned what I did and wouldn’t have realized that because He takes He really does love me. 
So Mamas out there…showing your children consequences isn’t unloving or mean but a must to show them your position & to be taken seriously. Just make sure that you are ready to follow through with whatever threat you give them….no matter how much you don’t want to or how much it hurts. 
Press on Mamas…..tomorrow is another day to show more love and grace.

Written on 09/29/15

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Joy: a choice

Mister and I were rearranging our bedroom a few months ago. I was moving things from my side of the wall to its new home. I moved a word hanging that I keep out. The word is Joy. A friend had made it for me years ago when we had a small business (I think, I honestly can’t remember that far back! Ha!). I would say this was made about 5 or 6 years ago. It’s been packed from NC to TX and two moves since we’ve moved to TX. 

Anyway, when I moved the word a spider had come from behind it. The letters aren’t attached to each other like they were when it was new. Some of the red paper has come off. The green border doesn’t stick in some spots. 

  
But I still love it.

Our own joy can look just like the physical word JOY that hangs in my room. Torn, beaten, not brand new, a little nasty spilling out….not like it once was. 

Joy is something we choose not something that is given. No matter what is going on in your life, chose joy! There is always something to be thankful about, no matter how small. Our joy cannot be stolen unless we allow it to be. 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 

James 1:2 NIV

We’ll have hard days where that joy is hiding. Look for it. 

They’ll be days when we feel down & out that you think no one knows how you feel. Seek joy anyway. 

Satan will throw anything he can at you to steal your joy. Don’t let him. Don’t let him win. Let him know who’s boss…and it ain’t him! 

No matter what your joy as looked like before or how you think it’s supposed to look, grab your joy and run with it! 

Joy comes in all shapes, colors, and sizes…seek yours and never let go!

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#365daysofthanks – 2/365

Today is January 2nd.

I was actually struggling to find something to be thankful for all day. It just wasn’t a very good day here in our house. We had moments but overall, I’m glad it’s bed time.

I was originally going to say that I was thankful for the rain we are getting today. We live in Texas and are currently in a severe drought, stage 5 to be exact. So when we get rain, everyone is thanking God for it.

Then I got to thinking that I really needed to look for something that might not be so obvious, something that wasn’t right in my face.

Everyone had had gone to bed and it was close to 9pm and still hadn’t found something to write about. And then I was playing with Emma, just her and I. And I looked in her eyes and thought, man am I so thankful for you!

(In case you are new or don’t remember, as I didn’t and had to go back and read it, here are my thoughts when I finding out I was pregnant with our 6th child)

I wasn’t always so excited that this baby would be here. I didn’t want this baby to be here. now when I look at her, I can’t imagine my life without her. She is only 5 months old and it feels like she’s been much longer than that and other times it feels like she just got here. The majority of the time (when I have those moments to reflect) it feels like she was always supposed to be here. And I know that she was in His plans the whole time. I love her so much it hurts sometimes. I cherish her a bit more than my other babies because I feel like she is my last baby. I probably won’t have these moments again. I know that I need to soak them up as much as I can.

I am so thankful for this baby that I cried about when I found out that I was pregnant with her and wished that God would give her to someone else (true story. I even told God who I wanted him to give my baby to). I am so glad He didn’t listen to Β me. I’m so glad that He gave her to me. Emma will always be my baby and be my own personal proof that His plans are always better than mine.

 

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41 weeks, Baby #6

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Thanks again to my 8 year old professional photographer πŸ˜‰

I am a day early in posting my weekly update but I figured since I had my appointment this morning & there really is no reason to wait one day.
So here is the recap from week 40 & my appointment!

I have still had a lot of pressure going on. One morning this week (I cannot remember the exact date right now) I woke up at 5am to contractions and they were anywhere from 10-20 minutes apart. They kept going for 2 hours and then completely stopped. I thought maybe if I walked then things would get moving again. I got the girls ready (2 boys were still sleeping & 1 boy was at summer school) and I figured I would just walk around our house for a bit. I ended up walking for 30 minutes. Nothing. Been eating jalapenos with at least one meal a day. Nothing. I have been doing pressure points in my feet. Nothing. Eating pineapple also. Nothing. I know that a lot of people have been suggesting sex but because of a work related accident, as a precaution, we have been using protection when we have sex. So the theory that his sperm will do anything to start labor, just won’t work this time around. Not saying we haven’t tried this time around but not sure how well it will work. I have also had my bloody show for days now….nothing is coming from this sign either!
This child must be too cozy to even think about coming.
I had two days worth of a headache plus swelling in my feet that went along with it. I called my dr to make sure there wasn’t any cause for concern. The temps have been higher this week & I wasn’t sure if that was causing the swelling or it was connected to the headaches somehow. She told me what my blood pressure should be. Told me that when I took whatever medicine I was taking for the headache to have a soda with it. I did what she said & my headache went away within 30-60 minutes. I will have to remember this & do it every time I have a headache!

Everything checked out for me and Baby W this morning. Nothing to be concerned about.
Only gained a pound or 2 since last week. Blood pressure was fine. Baby’s heartbeat was 147.
Last week I was dilated 2cm, this week I am 3cm. I am 50% effaced and at a -2. She didn’t strip my membranes this time because she said there wasn’t much to strip. I’m taking that as a good thing?!
We talked about scheduling an induction & what she wanted to do for that. She wants to start me out using a bulb that they fill up with saline water. After checking me she said she wasn’t sure how much it would help since I am dilating on my own & contracting on my own. She wants to do this before using Pitocin. If she needs to use Pitocin with me, then she will use a slower drip compared to her patients that aren’t having a vbac.

My induction is scheduled for 5:30am on Sunday morning. I have to call the hospital at 4:45am to make sure that there is a bed available for me. That is going to be an early morning!!

I am hoping & praying that I can get things going on my own between now and then. I would much rather not be induced! Will try everything I can over these next few days to get contractions going on my own. Prayers about/for this would be much appreciated!

The next update will have a picture of Baby W in it!!!! πŸ™‚

14

Mind = blown

I have said this a few times on the blog, on Facebook, and to friends & family but it still blows my mind that I will be giving birth to my 6th (!) child some time this month. 6 little people that depend on me to help them make it through life…alive! I have to teach them good. I have to make sure they aren’t lumps on a log when they grow up and leave the nest. But mostly importantly, I have to make sure that I don’t lose my mind in the mist of all this!

It probably won’t sink in 100% until I am holding our 6th child. The number 6 just blows my mind. I’m not sure if it’s because this is a number I never wanted nor thought that I would have or what. As much as it upset me when I found out that we were having another baby, I cannot express how happy & excited I am to bring this little one into the world! I cannot wait to see what he/she looks like, what kind of personality it will have, and if this baby will be a Landon or an Emma. What will this kiddo bring to our family?

It’s very obvious that our lives will changing adding another family member but I just pray that it’s for the best. I pray that we guide all our children in the right direction. I pray that we make the changes that we need to be able to what God has called us to do.

I still wake up and can’t believe that when I look down, I have a pregnant belly. Some mornings I wake up and forget that I am pregnant until I touch my belly or get up.
It amazes me that I went 20 weeks without knowing that this little person was growing inside me. It amazes that this life has been given to me and entrusted in my care. Out of everyone God could have chosen to be his/her mom, He chose me. I will never know the answer to this question, nor does it even matter at the end of the day. What matters is that I do my best every day to provide this child (and all my children) what he/she needs.

Even though it was a rocky start between me and this baby, I am so very thankful for this baby. I know that there are plenty of women out there that would switch places with me in a heart beat. This baby has taught me so much about my faith, friends, and God & he/she isn’t even born yet.

I love this baby and cannot wait to see his/her squishy little face in the very near future!

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36 & 37 weeks, Baby #6

 

 

 

 

 

 

Β 

Since I am turning 37 weeks tomorrow (What?!) I figured I would just combine the two weeks. I was supposed to have an appointment last but life got in the way (anyone else know what I’m talking about!?) and so I had to reschedule my appointment for Monday. Plus I had an appointment scheduled for Friday but since I was in Monday, my dr just said to cancel that one & she’ll just see me next week. Sounds good to me!

For the past 2 weeks I have been feeling lots of pressure and cramping in my lower back & on the under side of my belly. Sunday was the day that this happened the most. Mister kept asking me if I was ok. He’s getting on his toes about all this too! Nothing to the point that I feel the need to call my dr or go to labor & delivery but can definitely tell my body is getting ready to have this baby. I’ve been drinking my water still but it never seems to be enough (I’ll explain when I talk about my appointment). The belly is definitely getting the way of doing things. Sometimes I have to hold my breath to tie my shoes, haha! Getting up off the floor is a challenge all in itself. Oh to be a fly on the wall to watch me sometimes…I am sure that I would be laughing at myself most of the time! Something that I keep forgetting to say is that I have noticed no new stretch marks! Which totally awesome to me since I always seem to get new ones with each baby. I am definitely waddling when I walk. I am sitting here trying to think of anything else that I need to update on but I don’t think so…or at least I can’t remember πŸ˜‰
So onto the dr appointment update!

I will have to show this to jess, i pick on her all the time because she "waddles" i ask her if she has any grapes lol

My appointment was Monday afternoon. These last few appointments that I have, I always get excited about them. I love to see what my body is doing and how it’s progressing this far along. According to the scale, I have lost a pound since last week. I was not expecting that since #1, it was an afternoon appointment & #2, the amount of food I have been shoving in my face. I asked my nurse what my total weight gain had been up until now, which isn’t all that accurate since I didn’t start going to the dr until I was 24 weeks but I can’t imagine that I have gained too much since I didn’t look pregnant until even after I found out. Anyway, she said that as of Monday, I have only gained a total of 15 pounds! I was not expecting that number at all! I am pretty proud of myself for that. I know that I usually gain more than that.
I was hoping that she would check me since I told her that I was having a lot of pressure but she didn’t, hopefully next week I will get checked. When she was measuring my belly she doubled checked that I had always been measuring a week bigger than what I actually am &, yes, I have. So still on that track. No my due date hasn’t changed. She was checking the heart rate of the baby & started to get a bit concerned. She checked my heart rate and said that mine was a bit fast. Usually the baby’s heart rate is in the 140s-150s and it was only registering at 110-117 she said. She wanted me to get an ultrasound done to make sure that everything was ok with the baby. Baby is very active and always moving. Better to be safe than sorry. Once I was able to get squeezed into the ultrasound room, everything checked out just fine. The baby’s heart rate was back up to it’s normal. We got a few more pictures again! Mostly a squished face but we also got a picture of the baby’s hair! Thought that was so cool because I have never seen hair on an ultrasound before. I would scan these pictures but I cannot get the printer installed onto our computer for whatever reason. Mister is still looking into that.

Anyway, that’s it for right now.
Oh! If you would like to join in on the fun & make a prediction on when I will have this baby and then gender, please click here! We are getting close to some of these dates! I am excited to see who gets the closest!!! Today is actually the day of one of the guesses…..we will see!!!

 

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Taken at 36 weeks and 4 days!

See you next week πŸ™‚

 

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It’s off the table

I was sitting in a local restaurant this past Sunday evening with a small group of ladies.
These ladies & I get together once a month for something called the IF: Table. There is always a set of questions that we can talk about, which is wonderful to get the conversation going & a great ice breaker for those that are new or need a topic to start with.
Anyway, we tend to start with the questions, go off topic, and then wrangle ourselves back to the questions.

We started talking about how divorce is so common these days and how some people tend to just marry & divorce like it doesn’t mean anything to take those vows. Celebrities & media certainly don’t help with these matters either.

We started talking about our personal stories of divorce and how we viewed it.

I shared that Mister and I have been on the brink of divorce more than once in our marriage. We had many struggles and didn’t always know how to deal with these things. My first reaction was to always run away and leave the problem/situation.
Then there came a point during 1 argument (I don’t remember many details) where Mister said that divorce wasn’t an option for us. I looked at him and said that he didn’t get to decide those things for me. We proceeded to tell me that if I wanted to leave then that was fine but he would never sign any divorce papers. This made no sense to me. Why would you want to stay with someone who didn’t want to be with you & hinder them from going on with their life. It made no sense to me. I questioned him with a million questions about this (I can only imagine) and figured that if he wanted to do that then that was fine but I wasn’t going to stick around.

I came off my angry cloud eventually.
Why was I so bent on leaving this marriage just because it got rough? Why was leaving this man the only option that I would consider? Why was he willing to hold onto this so tightly?

At this point in our lives we were apart of a company/team that believed in what the Bible said and believed it to be true. Though Mister grew up going to church, being involved in his church, and reading the Bible….I did not. This wasn’t something that I was interested in. I didn’t want these things shoved down my throat.
Mister began to read the Bible more and act the way he believed instead of just saying that he believed. No matter what I wanted or even what he wanted, he read in the Bible that divorce isn’t something that you should do. (What does the Bible say about divorce?)

Knowing that he wouldn’t sign papers to have a divorce, I had 1 of 2 options. #1- I could be married to him the rest of my life & be unhappy. #2- I could get over myself, work through these problems, and be happy.
Knowing something isn’t an option really makes you stop & think about what the real issue is.

Some of you are probably yelling at your screen right about now. That’s ok, just keep reading πŸ˜‰

I will be & am forever thankful that Mister had a big enough backbone to stand for our marriage. That he did something that he strongly believed in for the better of our family (I believe we had 3 kiddos when all this happened). I am thankful that no matter what friends, family, media, or any other influences were telling him that he did what he believed to be right….not convenient or easy or popular. I thank God that Mister did and said what he did. We wouldn’t be who/where we are without him standing his ground like that. I love that man more than I could ever express and am thankful I stuck around.

No matter what you are going through or who you are going through it with, when you take options like divorce or just simply walking away from any relationship or anything else in your life when you come to a cross road, when you take the option of giving up/running away off the table, you are forcing yourself to deal with the problem. You are forcing yourself to work through the muck. You are forcing yourself to step out of your comfort zone and grow.

Believe when I say that I know sometimes ending these chapters in your life are what needs to be done. I’m just saying do not give up until you’ve tried your hardest and given it everything you’ve got. You will never know what comes from things if you aren’t willing to stick around and fight. Be willing to put up with something/someone for some time in order to make sure that it’s really meant to end. Make sure that you did all you can do.

Make sure giving up isn’t an option and is off the table.

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Thankful Thursday 05/29/14

[Again, late with the posts but what are you going to do!?]

friendsfamily

I am thankful for strangers turning into acquaintances.
Acquaintances that turned into friends.
Friends who turned into family.

We have never had friends like we have friends now. We have never had friends who want to take our kiddos and spend time with them. We have never had friends who went above & beyond just because they loved us and wanted to.

This is a new concept for Mister and I.
We have also never lived close enough to family where they could watch them or take them if they wanted to whenever the grandparents wanted to. The closest is now with my mom & step dad. They live about an hour away (which is the closest we’ve lived to family in many years) but because of busy schedules on both sides, it’s been hard to get together as often as we would like.

When our friends say that they want to take our kiddos or even just 1 kiddo, I am always a bit hesitant. Not because I don’t trust the person or because I don’t want to share my kiddo but because I don’t want our friends to think it’s something they have to do or anything along those lines. I know they wouldn’t offer if they didn’t want to. Like I said, we have never had friends who wanted to take our kiddo and spend time with them or keep them overnight.

I hope I am explaining this the way that I want/feel & it comes across the way that I want it to.

I am so thankful for friends like this in our life. Not only does it give me & Mister a bit of a break but (most importantly) it’s building relationships with these special people with/for our kiddos. I know that they so enjoy their times with these people & look forward to their time with them. Even if it’s just playing at the park with them.

I didn’t have this growing up as a kiddo and am so thankful that my kiddos have this in theirs. I will never be able to express how thankful I am for these friends that have turned into family.

It may not take a village to raise a kiddo but it does take one to love a kiddo. I cannot be everything to my kiddos all the time & in the ways they need/want. Yes, I am their mother but sometimes they need someone else other than a parent.

If you have this kind of circle of friends & family in your life, please do not take them for granted! Not everyone is as fortunate to have this circle surround them with love. Tell these people who thankful you are that they are in your families life. Tell them you don’t take them for granted. Tell them they are irreplaceable. Love these people like they are family.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to these families that have filled something in our lives that I didn’t even know was missing. We love you very much and are so thankful for each & every one of you. Thank you for everything πŸ™‚ ❀

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Surprise lunch!

I had a surprise yesterday……a very nice surprise πŸ™‚

One of my very good/best friends asked which day would work for me to have lunch with her, told her, and we made plans. She told me that I had to wear a dress and so did Lily. I woke up to a morning text from her telling me it was my day.

I figured we were going to her house and having lunch there. I didn’t think/expect/suspect anything else was going on but lunch with her. She picked Lily and I up yesterday morning before 11 and quickly realized that we weren’t going in the direction of her house. Well ok, maybe she wanted to eat out, no biggie to me! We pulled into a parking lot of a little strip mall here where we live and figured out where we were eating. Only been to this restaurant a few times but I know they have yummy Italian food! I also noticed another best friends car in the parking lot along with her moms car but honestly figured they were getting their nails done together.
As we walked into the restaurant I heard a familiar voice say “Hi Lily!” I thought “What a coincidence that they are here too”. Then I saw another friends face come from the table and thought, ok something is up. Turned the corner where the table was (it’s in a little nook area) I saw that there were balloons tied to a chair a presents on the table! I felt so loved by my friends that were there! I wasn’t expecting anything at all from anyone! Then while we were sitting at the table another friend pops her head around the corner and joined us!

How awesome that 5 friends took time out of their day to spend it with me and have a nice lunch & celebrate Baby W!? I know that this may be something that happens to those of you reading this but it doesn’t happen to me. It’s the little things that I cherish much more than the big things. (Even though I take nothing for granted and am very thankful for things that have happened to us & came our way)

We talked, ate lunch, had cake, and opened presents. I wish that our time together could have been longer but I know that schedules & appointments don’t stop for pretty much anything! So thankful for the time that I was able to spend with them and missed the ones that couldn’t make it. Time with great friends are priceless!

Here are pictures from a great lunch with great friends! Enjoy πŸ™‚
(We did forget to take a group picture & a few others)

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Week 26, Baby #6

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                         04/10/14

This week has kinda kicked my butt in the pregnancy department. By the end of the day I’m feeling very loaded down and big. My abdomen area is definitely being stretched. Baby W is kicking & moving like crazy! So much so that he/she is waking me up a few times a night. I have this nasty, awful, disgusting heartburn. I have it randomly throughout the day but this stuff that wakes me up is horrid. It happens maybe one a week. I have vomit just sitting in my throat and I can’t get it to go away. I have to sit straight up….and I usually fall asleep like that. I have to be very careful when I clear my throat & sniff. I can taste it every time I swallow. Ugh, just gross! A friend recommended heartburn tea that she is currently drinking. If I can find it at a local store I’m willing to at least try it. I mean, it’s gotta taste better than vomit!

I’m feeling good though. I’m enjoying this since it could be our last baby. It’s still surreal to me to think that we are going to have 6 kiddos. It feels weird to say. I love this baby though & know God has big plans for this baby!

My next appointment isn’t until the 23rd. I’m pretty sure that I’m having another ultrasound done to see if my placenta has moved. The same thing happened during my pregnancy with Lily. I’m confident that it’ll move this time as well & won’t be an issue.

Something exciting though that has nothing to do with me that I found out today is I have a very good friend that just told me she’s pregnant! She’s about 8 weeks along! I’ve never been pregnant with a friend that lived in the same town. I’m super excited for her & her family! Her due date is exactly 4 months after mine. Aaahhhh! I’m just over the moon happy for them! If you could just her and baby in your prayers, I would appreciate it!

Nothing else that I can think to report on, see ya next week πŸ™‚

Written on 04/10/14