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No yelling: Day 4 – now

So I obviously didn’t do a very good job of blogging the week that I wasn’t going to yell. I also didn’t do a very good job of not yelling. I have yelled every day from the first post until now. I don’t know how to not yell. I get to point where talking doesn’t work. I’m tired of being given respect by my kids. I can and will only take so much before I have hit my limit.

I have, however, stopped myself in some moments and just began to talk in a normal voice. That doesn’t happen very often but I’m glad when it does. It helps me calm down and I’m sure they enjoy it more when I’m just talking vs yelling. I wish I could do that every time. I wish I wasnt a yeller. Again, I don’t know how to not yell. Maybe one day I wont, I hope sooner than later.

I know the area in which I need to work on. It’s the ‘in the moment’ moments that I’m terrible at. I can tell myself all day long what I need to do but when I am in the middle of those moments, it all goes out the window. I always fall back into the same cycle that I don’t want to be in…..the crazy cycle!

I will break this cycle and beat it. I don’t when or what will be the magic ingredient but I will!

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No yelling: Day 2 & 3

Well I can’t say that I’ve been very successful at this no yelling thing. All I want to do is blame the kiddos and say that if they wouldn’t whine/cry/complain/do what kids do then I wouldn’t have to yell. But in the end, it’s not their fault and blaming them would be a lie. It would be a copout. It would be childish of me. It would be wrong.

Do their attitudes,whining, cry, and other emotions get under my skin? Absolutely! They wear on me to the point that is like nothing better to do than pull my hair out and send them on a hike! I would like to control the volume and sound just like a TV with them. I would like to duct tape them to the wall so they can’t push, shove, and hit each other. Boy, would that make life a bit easier!

I have to swallow my pride and only blame myself for my attitude and actions. I need to learn techniques that have me step back, take a moment, and then deal with whatever is going on. I don’t always have to argue back, have the last word, or be right. What I should always strive for is to solve the problem not add to it. I shouldn’t have to feel so drained within the first 30 minutes of them being home from school. I shouldn’t have a countdown of when they go back to school in the back of my mind. I need to change my mindset. I need to change the way I deal with things and maybe it’ll run off on them. What a concept I just thought of!
{insert sarcasm}

The sad part is that I already know all this stuff. I know that I should back off and then deal with my kiddos. I know that I need to set the example to them on how to deal with conflict and unfairness and other people. All I’m showing is anger and loss of control. Horrible example to my kiddos.

I need to make the effort to do what I know I should be doing. All my kiddos are doing is a reflection of what I’m doing. And I’m getting mad at them for being just like me! So silly!

All my kiddos are over being sick, I’m out of the house today, and all my school aged kiddos have a Christmas party at school today I’m going to make an effort to think before I speak and/or act. I am going to set a new tone and example in my house. I’m going to be the change I want to see in my kiddos.

If not me, then who?

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No yelling, Day 1

I was too tired to update last night, so you’ll probably get two posts today….lucky you 😉

Yesterday was a fail. I am always good until the kiddos get home from school. I think that’s just because there is so much going on with so many people at one time between homework/school folders and snack time. They are all done with school & I want to get folders and homework taken care of. So in less words, our agendas don’t match.

Yesterday’s frustration started on our way home from school. We walk from the school (like a 10 minute walk) and it never fails that one kiddo whines about it. Well yesterday C-man had his tantrum about walking home. He pulled on my hand, let go, and then landed on the ground. I don’t play these games so I kept walking. He sat on the ground yelling at me that he hated me. I turned around, told him that I wasn’t waiting for him, to watch what he was saying to me, and kept walking. I guess he didn’t like the fact that I wasn’t entertaining this tantrum and got up to catch up with us. That’s where it started for me.

C-man also had a bit of homework that he needed to make up from missing school all last week. He started acting up doing this. I get that he didn’t want to do it all & I wasn’t going to make him do it all in one day. I was trying to be firm with him about just getting some done & to stop acting the way he was. I am not completely sure that I was yelling but I sounded louder than I wanted to be in my head.
Then as I was making dinner I was getting frustrated because no matter how many times I make it or what temperature I have the stove-top on, I (almost) always burn a grilled cheese sandwich! Never fails this happens. This is what we were having for dinner and my frustration was getting bigger. Now that I am typing it out, it seems so silly that I was getting that upset about making a grilled cheese sandwich.

Get it together woman!!

C-man had an issue with what was for dinner and Emma wasn’t having it that she wasn’t being held by me, and a few kiddos were complaining that their tummy was hurting.
Ok, so dinner was done, pjs were getting on, and then a kiddo coughed & threw up. Great. Another one down with the stomach bug. So I had to clean up the floor while trying to tell Bailea to stay in her room & that she had to wait a minute for whatever it was she wanted and trying to tell Mister that he needed to keep the dogs outside longer so that I could clean up.
I wasn’t upset with Dom that he had gotten sick on the floor, I was upset about the situation. I tried very hard to keep everyone else away from Mister when he came home sick with the stomach bug last week. Apparently my efforts failed.

I was just beyond frustrated at this point and let out a loud ‘AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH’
And then I felt a little better.

I just needed to sit for awhile and just mindlessly be on Facebook or play those dumb games I have on my phone to just chill out. It worked and then I went to bed.

I will save what has happened this morning for the post later tonight!

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I’m tired of hearing myself yell…..and I’m sure everyone else is too

I’ve heard myself say this to myself, and I’m sure out loud also, so many times.

I’m so tired of hearing myself yell. I don’t like to do it and it wears me out and it’s in(un)affective and no ones ears enjoy it.

I’m a yeller by nature. I have no idea why. I honestly don’t know if I’ve always been this way or it’s been a progression since having a big family.

Logically, I know that yelling isn’t going to fix, help, or change anything or anyone. I could yell until I have no voice and I know things wouldn’t change. If I know all this then the next question would be, then why do I still do it?

For a fact I know that I out of frustration. I yell because I feel like I’m not being heard. I yell because I don’t know what else to do. Well, let’s be honest here, I do know other ways to handle things but I don’t always take a step back, breath, and then address whatever is going on. It’s the ‘in the moment’ thing that I don’t think all the way. I don’t stop and think (something I should probably do considering I tell this to my kids all. the. time.). I react. And then I wonder why in never works. I wonder why I feel guilty after having a yell-fest. I wonder why I’m apologizing to my kiddos all the time. You’d think by now I would’ve thought of a better way of handling this or would have changed my ways by now. But no, no I haven’t. I’ve also noticed that instead of spending all this time working on me & my ways, I’ve just kept saying ‘well if the kids wouldn’t act/say what they do, then I wouldn’t have to yell’. So basically, I’m blaming my kiddos because I would rather point the finger at someone else than swallow that pride pill, own up to my fault, and work on this.

#momfail

I’ve tried this before about 2-3 years ago. I don’t remember it lasting that long. I do remember feeling less stressed. My nerves weren’t shot by the end of the day. I remember my kiddos weren’t yelling at each other either. I remember not feeling like a hypocrite when I’d tell my kiddos to stop yelling, while yelling at them (1+1 doesn’t equal 2 here).  My kiddos are older then they were before and I can tell them to hold me accountable with this also.

I’m not going to yell for 1 week. No yelling, period. Not even if I’m on one side of the house and need/want a kiddo. No yelling means no yelling. I’m going to come here and vent my frustration, everyday for this week.

Will it be difficult? Yes, considering that I don’t go 1 day without yelling now. I know that I can do. I know that I have to do it, not only for me but (most importantly) for my kiddos.

Fingers crossed for day 1!

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#reallifemommiemoments

Happy Friday!

Now, onto a mom rant!

For the past few weeks I have been volunteering up at my local library (been enjoying it more than I thought!) and haven’t had the time to do much around the house. Once I get home from the library, it’s time to get the kiddos from school, then it’s on to homework, dinner, usually some extracurricular activity, story (if time allows), and then bed time for the kiddos. I am exhausted, to say the least, by this time. I usually try to clean up from dinner, get a load in the dishwasher going, and a load in the washing machine before heading to bed myself.

Well this past week I haven’t been able to get up to the library due to having either a sick Mister and/or sick kiddos. This means that I’ve been home more this week but I still haven’t accomplished anything. My house is still a mess, laundry (clean & dirty) is still piled a mile high. Dishes are piling up faster than I can keep up. My mop & broom have put in for their retirement because they haven’t been put to work in so long. At least the trash is being taken care of! We have our tree but there’s nothing on it yet and it’s not even in the spot we want it. (How many more days until it’s too late to put it up?!)

I am just a whiny cracky mess lately.

As I sit here writing this trying to get my two year old to listen, cross my fingers that my 4 month old enjoys her swing long enough for me to write this, and make sure my two sickies are taken care of all I can think about is none of this will matter next week, month, year. None of this chaos is going to traumatize anyone (well maybe the mop & broom when they figure out they can’t retire). The mess will always be there. Laundry means my family has clothes. Dishes mean my family has full bellies. My dogs mean that we are in a spot where we can enjoy family pets. And Christmas will always come back around. I try (and it’s very hard for me most times) to focus on the well being of my family rather than the look. By look I don’t mean that I don’t care if they are dirty/bathed/combed kinda thing. What I mean by look is that I am not trying to portray my family as something it’s not. My house isn’t spotless. My house is used/lived in, not a display case. I have little people running/over taking my home 95% of the day. A spotless house is on my list but it’s many years done the line. What is at the top of my list is that my family is alive, healthy, and the house is still standing by the end of the day. Whatever I can get done in between those things is just a bonus.
This is also something that drives me crazy! I want to have a spotless house with a white picket fence and a tire swing hanging from the tree. I want things organized and in it’s place. I want to walk through my house without stepping/tripping over something. I want to be able to open my front door and not feel the need to apologize for what it looks like. I cannot wait for the day what I want happens.

Until that day comes, if ever, I will do my very best with what I can do now. It’s not your house nor your life. It’s different, not wrong. We all have some sort of chaos going on in our life.

For now I will try to push aside all this stress and frustration and overwhelmingness that I have because my list isn’t getting done & my house looks like a mess &&&&&…..

I will take one moment at a time. It’s all I can do since my plans never fall in place and never go the way that I want them to. Let me get through sick kiddos. Let me survive until nap time. Let me have a clean plate to eat lunch off of. Let me go because I am praying that wasn’t the school that just left a message telling me I have another kiddo sick!

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#30daysofthanks

You all know this hashtag by now, I mean it is the end of November.

I think that I always jump on this bandwagon every year. I don’t think there’s ever been a year that I actually completed 30 days. And seeing the lack of posts in my newsfeed by the end of the month, I’m not the only one. They say 21 days makes a habit but I can never make it that far into the month, ha!

So, if I don’t finish my #30daysofthanks, does that mean I’m not thankful!?

Absolutely not!

I think we should be thankful for everything, everyday. I know that more people are than aren’t. I understand why it’s more focused on in November. This time of year brings to our attention why we should be thankful for what we have and how great our lives actually are. Our focus kinda gets put on the back burner the other 95% of the year. I can totally see how and why that happens. Life happens. Life gets in the way. Our lives are our bubbles and sometimes the things that happen in our bubble are just so consuming that we forget to look outside our bubble. What happens in my bubble may not be a big deal in your bubble and vice versa. We tend to not be as merry and bright the rest of the year. We don’t put as much emphasize on giving and others the rest of the year.

Or maybe you & your family does. I know that our daily events get in the way I/we forget or choose not to focus on it. I’ve got a lot going on in my life daily that I’d rather not think of everyone else’s problems. As harsh as that may sound, it’s true and I know I’m not the only that thinks like this. It’s not meant to be mean or offensive to anyone but it is the truth.

Let me be real with you right now. My attitude, words, and thoughts have been anything but thankful these couple of days, almost a week. I see myself being thankful in certain moments or when things go a certain way. I’m seeing that I’m not so thankful when those moments aren’t going my way or something unexpectedly happens that throws a wrench in my plans. I have been spewing words of anger, hate, and just plain nasty words to my family. This is not ok. This isn’t me being the best me that I can be. This isn’t me setting a good example for my children. This isn’t me being a safe/happy place for my family to enjoy. I’m wallowing in my own self pity and getting so mad about something that won’t even matter next week. And if it will matter next week, it’s not even a big deal. I am not liking this side of me at all. I feel awful and horrible about how I’ve been treating my family and the words that have been coming out of my mouth. I am ashamed and would be embarrassed if anyone overheard me.

 

And so because of this, I am giving myself a challenge. You can join me if you’d like, you can help hold me accountable, you can just simply read my posts, or you can do nothing. All are acceptable and perfectly fine for you.

Starting January 1, 2015 I am going to be posting what I am thankful for every day for 365 days. It seems like a big task and. Bit overwhelming. I mean, I can’t even post for 30 days what I’m thankful for, what makes me think that I can do 365? I have no idea! But I am going to challenge myself. This is something that I am doing for myself and no one else. I’m not proving anything to anyone. The one reason I am making a public statement is, mostly, for accountability. Plus, I know someone else out there will need to check their attitude & words also. I’m not the only person out there having this negative nancy on their shoulder.

Im putting a stop to it before it gets too far out of hand. I’m the only person that can control this. I’m the only person that can make myself change. I cannot do it for anyone else but myself. I’m sure that by the end I will be a happier person.

Will I have days where I don’t want to find the good and be thankful for something? Yes. Will it be hard to come up with so many things? Sure. Will I miss a day? Or two? Probably! In the end though, it’s not about how many days in a row I did this. Or how many days in a row I missed. It’s a heart thing. It’s a happy heart thing. It’s always about the heart. Good and evil. It’s a heart and mindset kinda thing.

Let’s change our hearts & minds so that we can become the change we want to see I our spouses, kiddos, family members, friends, and communities. Sounds super cheesy, I know.

But I also know that it’s true.

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41 weeks, Baby #6

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Thanks again to my 8 year old professional photographer 😉

I am a day early in posting my weekly update but I figured since I had my appointment this morning & there really is no reason to wait one day.
So here is the recap from week 40 & my appointment!

I have still had a lot of pressure going on. One morning this week (I cannot remember the exact date right now) I woke up at 5am to contractions and they were anywhere from 10-20 minutes apart. They kept going for 2 hours and then completely stopped. I thought maybe if I walked then things would get moving again. I got the girls ready (2 boys were still sleeping & 1 boy was at summer school) and I figured I would just walk around our house for a bit. I ended up walking for 30 minutes. Nothing. Been eating jalapenos with at least one meal a day. Nothing. I have been doing pressure points in my feet. Nothing. Eating pineapple also. Nothing. I know that a lot of people have been suggesting sex but because of a work related accident, as a precaution, we have been using protection when we have sex. So the theory that his sperm will do anything to start labor, just won’t work this time around. Not saying we haven’t tried this time around but not sure how well it will work. I have also had my bloody show for days now….nothing is coming from this sign either!
This child must be too cozy to even think about coming.
I had two days worth of a headache plus swelling in my feet that went along with it. I called my dr to make sure there wasn’t any cause for concern. The temps have been higher this week & I wasn’t sure if that was causing the swelling or it was connected to the headaches somehow. She told me what my blood pressure should be. Told me that when I took whatever medicine I was taking for the headache to have a soda with it. I did what she said & my headache went away within 30-60 minutes. I will have to remember this & do it every time I have a headache!

Everything checked out for me and Baby W this morning. Nothing to be concerned about.
Only gained a pound or 2 since last week. Blood pressure was fine. Baby’s heartbeat was 147.
Last week I was dilated 2cm, this week I am 3cm. I am 50% effaced and at a -2. She didn’t strip my membranes this time because she said there wasn’t much to strip. I’m taking that as a good thing?!
We talked about scheduling an induction & what she wanted to do for that. She wants to start me out using a bulb that they fill up with saline water. After checking me she said she wasn’t sure how much it would help since I am dilating on my own & contracting on my own. She wants to do this before using Pitocin. If she needs to use Pitocin with me, then she will use a slower drip compared to her patients that aren’t having a vbac.

My induction is scheduled for 5:30am on Sunday morning. I have to call the hospital at 4:45am to make sure that there is a bed available for me. That is going to be an early morning!!

I am hoping & praying that I can get things going on my own between now and then. I would much rather not be induced! Will try everything I can over these next few days to get contractions going on my own. Prayers about/for this would be much appreciated!

The next update will have a picture of Baby W in it!!!! 🙂

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When will this baby come!?

I don’t have this answer.

What I do know is that I am trying my hardest to relish what time I have left of this pregnancy. This could be the last time I feel one of my children from the inside. The last time that I carry around a belly that sparks conversation no matter where I go. The last time that I feel little hiccups that make my belly jump.
I have been pregnant more than I haven’t. I’ve never gone very long without carrying a baby inside me. The thought that this could be my last time, throws me back a bit. To not experience any of this again is a little mind blowing.

As my days are numbered with this little one growing inside my belly, I’ve been thinking about all this. I’ve become a bit emotional about it. Half of me wants to stay pregnant as long as I possibly can and the other half wants to get this show on the road so I can meet this baby!
I’m not sure what to do with or how to process all these emotions at one time and in such a short amount of time.

I know this baby will come on His terms. No matter what I do, this baby’s birthday is completely out of my hands. Again, part of me is completely fine with that and part of me is not.

I want to hold this baby. I want to smell that newborn smell. I want to experience labor & delivery one more time. I want to meet our 6th child.

I don’t normally blog this late but my thoughts aren’t letting me relax and I needed to get this out. My mind is going rapidly and a crazy these last few days because this pregnancy is coming to an end…..and very soon.

All I want is a healthy baby and a successful vbac delivery.

Oh and to hold Landon or Emma 🙂

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40 weeks, Baby #6

 

So here we are….40 weeks & 1 day. Baby W has decided that it’s not time to come and he/she just isn’t ready to grace us with their presence.
Here is a recap of 39 weeks.

Besides just feeling pressure, there wasn’t much going on & no change in anything.
Wednesday evening me & a bestie went walking to try and get things started. We walked 2 miles. Then I came home and went to the store with Mister = more walking. Then we Googled pressure points to help induce labor & then Mister rubbed those points. Nothing came from any of those efforts.
Another bestie of mine has been out of town helping one of her family members & Mister said that this baby is probably waiting on her to come back into town. Well, she stopped by yesterday and told Baby W that it was ok to come anytime now! We’ll see how well Baby listens 😉
And then last night happened. We had eaten dinner, our family that is in town had gone back to their hotel, and the kiddos were getting ready to have a cupcake. I was sitting on the couch & I felt a ton of pressure building up on the under part of my belly. At first I figured that it was just pressure and nothing would come from it. Well then it started to build again and I had to close my eyes and concentrate & then the discomfort/pain went down. These contractions started to be consistent & started to become more painful. Mister finally said that I needed to start timing them. He could tell by the way that I was acting & getting irritated when people talked to me that these were the real deal. At first I wasn’t sure just because of the way they felt. They weren’t what I remembered with my other 4 labors (I never labored with baby #5). I said that I would start timing them after I went to the bathroom. Went to the bathroom and decided to get my shower in at that time instead of waiting until later in the evening…just in case. Nothing happened after I got up from the couch. Everything stopped. No pain. No contractions. No nothing. I was so bummed. I really thought it was about to be go time. Since it stopped, we did the pressure points again. Nothing happened over night. This takes us to this morning (Friday). I had my appointment this morning and was ready to see what the dr would have to say & see if I had dilated more since last week.

Everything checked out just fine with me (weight & blood pressure). We talked about induction options. There is a small chance that my uterus could rupture period because of having a prior csection. My risk increases (not by much) when you put the option in of using pitocin. I would really not like to add a higher chance of my uterus rupturing if it’s not needed. My dr knows this and we are on the same page. She will allow me to go all of next week to go into labor on my own but if I don’t, then we will schedule an induction for the last week of July. She asked if I wanted to be checked and I said yes. I wanted to know if I dilated more with everything that was going on. I am still at 2cm, no biggie. I asked her if she would do a membrane sweep & she said she would. I told her to go ahead and do it. Boy was that more painful than I remember! Of course I had some spotting afterwards and have had some cramping but that’s to be expected. My next appointment is scheduled for Wednesday the 23rd if there is no baby before then.
Hopefully I can get this baby to come on his/her own! I do not want to be induced or have another csection! I will continue to try natural ways to get things moving & pray it works!
If something happens between now and my next appointment, I will definitely update 🙂

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40 weeks & 1 day (July 18, 2014)

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Take 3

Start here if you haven’t read these posts yet:
Mommie & the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day
Take 2

No matter the time of year, weekends & holidays are just different than the regular week.
This past 4th of July weekend was no different.
Mister had a 3 day weekend and, of course, all 5 kiddos where home. They don’t do anything different than any other day, so I am never quite sure why I get more irritated on the weekends. I don’t know if it’s because Mister is home and I want to spend time with him or what. Either way, I need to work on it.

I lost it on Sunday with the boys. All they had to do was clean their room, something that shouldn’t have taken more than an hour. Well they ended up choosing to take somewhere around 5ish hours to do. What a nightmare! The whining, crying, tattle taling, the talking back…ugh! At one point I had just had enough and didn’t pay attention to any of my words that I was saying. I started using cuss words (which I rarely do) and just yelling and flying off the handle. It was almost like I couldn’t calm down until I had that outburst. I felt horrible after my tantrum. I haven’t yet but I should probably still apologize for it.
After that, I was able to talk calmly and actually talk and not yell. I could form my thoughts much better and make sure what I was going to say was going to be helpful instead of hurtful.

I need to remember that when my kiddos have a meltdown or tantrum that they have just met their boiling point. I need to remember to not bite their head off for acting the same way that I did. We all have a breaking point. We all need a moment to breakdown, calm down, and then refocus. It’s not just adults. It’s always easier for me to look back and know what I should have done/said. It’s the in the moment times that I need to apply this stuff. I am not perfect in any way, shape, or form. I am a hot mess! My house is anything but quiet and calm. At any given moment if you come over to my house there is a mess on the floor & table and someone is usually crying or screaming. It’s a working progress. We are all still learning. Just because we have, almost, 6 kiddos does not in any way mean that we have a clue to what we are doing.

Imperfect progress.