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No yelling: Day 2 & 3

Well I can’t say that I’ve been very successful at this no yelling thing. All I want to do is blame the kiddos and say that if they wouldn’t whine/cry/complain/do what kids do then I wouldn’t have to yell. But in the end, it’s not their fault and blaming them would be a lie. It would be a copout. It would be childish of me. It would be wrong.

Do their attitudes,whining, cry, and other emotions get under my skin? Absolutely! They wear on me to the point that is like nothing better to do than pull my hair out and send them on a hike! I would like to control the volume and sound just like a TV with them. I would like to duct tape them to the wall so they can’t push, shove, and hit each other. Boy, would that make life a bit easier!

I have to swallow my pride and only blame myself for my attitude and actions. I need to learn techniques that have me step back, take a moment, and then deal with whatever is going on. I don’t always have to argue back, have the last word, or be right. What I should always strive for is to solve the problem not add to it. I shouldn’t have to feel so drained within the first 30 minutes of them being home from school. I shouldn’t have a countdown of when they go back to school in the back of my mind. I need to change my mindset. I need to change the way I deal with things and maybe it’ll run off on them. What a concept I just thought of!
{insert sarcasm}

The sad part is that I already know all this stuff. I know that I should back off and then deal with my kiddos. I know that I need to set the example to them on how to deal with conflict and unfairness and other people. All I’m showing is anger and loss of control. Horrible example to my kiddos.

I need to make the effort to do what I know I should be doing. All my kiddos are doing is a reflection of what I’m doing. And I’m getting mad at them for being just like me! So silly!

All my kiddos are over being sick, I’m out of the house today, and all my school aged kiddos have a Christmas party at school today I’m going to make an effort to think before I speak and/or act. I am going to set a new tone and example in my house. I’m going to be the change I want to see in my kiddos.

If not me, then who?

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I’m a selfish best friend

Disclaimer: this is my pity party. I am writing this the same day that I received the news. This will be published days after the news was broke to me. I know this makes me sound incredibly selfish and not a very good best friend at all but this is how I honestly feel. This is me being real with my initial feelings about this. Will I always feel like this? No. Will it take time? Yes. (This was written on 11/24/14). 

 

My mind is all over the place, my heart is broken, there’s a constant lump in my throat, and tears ready to run down my face at any given moment.

^ This is how I’ve been feeling all day today since this morning when my best friend told me that she was moving. I feel like kicking and screaming and demanding that she isn’t allowed to do this to me.

I’ve always had friends. I don’t ever remember a time that I didn’t have friends. Friends come and go. Some stay for awhile and some are gone as fast as they developed. Some make us stronger, some make smarter, and some make us better. I’ve had all kinds of friends. I’ve had great friends and I’ve had friends that have stabbed me in the back. I have a few friends that I call real friends. A few that are best friends. And even fewer friends that I call family. This girl is family.

I’ve  only met this friend a little over a year ago. I didn’t even know she existed until September (maybe) of 2013. We’ve grown close fast and I wouldn’t trade any of what I’ve been through with her…..even if it meant she wouldn’t move. I feel like a little girl who’s friend is moving and they just cry and cry.

I was so shocked when I read the Facebook message from her. At first I wondered why she didn’t tell me in person but on the other hand I was glad she didn’t because I probably would have started crying. And not the pretty cry either, the dreaded ugly cry. As thrilled as I am for her & her family (and I truly am), I would like nothing better than if everything just fell apart & they ended up staying here. I know that is incredible selfish of me. I know that no best friend really wants this to happen. I know that this is part of Gods plan for them. I know that I want the best for the her (and her family), even if that means I can’t be apart of her daily life anymore.

There was so much that I was looking forward to doing with her and her new born daughter. Our girls are only 4 months apart. I thought we were going to raise them together. I thought they’d grow up together and be bffs. I am now having to put my wants aside and plan new things.

(I know all this may sound pathetic to some that I am this upset about my friend moving but there are those few friends who mean so much more than just another friend.)

She’s only moving two hours away, so day visits aren’t out of the question. I would get to visit a city that I’ve never been to. Those are the only positives that I can find right now. Plus, I’m the only one here that knows she’s moving. I can’t even have a pity party with our other friends about this! It’s going to happen so quickly too. They are planning on being moved and settled into their new lives by the first of the year. I won’t have time to process much of this by the time she gone.

And my 2 year old. My 2 year old daughter absolutely loves her. Tells me she wants her all the time. The smile and happiness that spreads all over her face when she sees her Gigi is irreplaceable. I hope she takes this news better than I am. Plus side is, again, she’s only two hours away.

Im still trying to process what I was told, the time in which it’s happening, and the fact that she won’t be here anymore. Why now? Why this fast?

I have other friends and best friends here in this town & I don’t want any of them moving and would be just has upset if they told me this news. I thought our circle would be here forever and we’d raise our kiddos together and be old before our circle was broken up. I am just so sad. But I know these plans aren’t mine and they aren’t even hers, they are His and they are perfect.

I will miss you so much friend.

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I will survive! I hope :/

Most days I don’t know how I will get through the day.
Some days I don’t know how I will get through the next hour.

I think it mostly has to do with the things that I put on myself.
I am adding to my to do list much faster than I can cross things off. I chalk that up to nesting.
Nesting is taking over my brain & my body! I cannot do things fast enough and I am forever adding to what I want to get done.

Notice I said want. I didn’t say need. Most of my lists are wants. There’s nothing wrong with that but I am overwhelming myself more than I actually need to. There are some days I have to tell myself that it’s ok that I don’t get all my items checked off my list. It’s ok that the house isn’t in great condition. I also need to be careful with this grace. I tend to take advantage of this grace & end up doing nothing. Which, again, there is nothing wrong with that.

I have tried to plan things for my kiddos to keep them busy this summer. This adds to my overwhelming feeling too. If they are stuck at home all summer long with nothing to do…we will all go crazy!

I think that no matter how many kiddos a parent has, this applies to all of us at some point. Even though it’s summer time & we, usually, have less to do, we need to make sure that we make time/room for our kiddos to do something & get their energy out!

We are only in the 2nd week of summer where we live & school doesn’t start until the last week of August. That is a lot of days to fill with things to do for my kiddos.
I don’t want every single day to be filled with something. Not only will it wear my out but they just don’t need every minute of every day filled with something.
During the school year, Mondays are usually my ‘do nothing’ days. I think that I am going to keep that going & include the kiddos in this. I know that some Mondays already have something scheduled but that even happens to me during the school year. Nothing wrong with that. No problem with switching Monday with another day during the week. Give yourself that allowance & grace. If it’s not on Monday every week, that’s ok! Sometimes Mondays can be my busiest days. Even though it can upset me that my Mondays get thrown off, I have to remind myself that life isn’t always going to fit into my calendar/agenda. I have to tell myself that just because my ‘do nothing’ day isn’t on a Monday doesn’t mean that I have to wait until next Monday to have this day.

My kiddos deserve a break from having a schedule. And so do I.

I have also found that I am trying to do so much in one day & then beating myself up if I don’t get those things done. Again, I am not a super human. I have to slow down and do what my body can handle. Some days I can do more than others. Some days I am lucky if I do more than just feed my kiddos. I also know that being this pregnant is playing more of a part than I would like to admit. My body just isn’t what it used to be. I cannot do what I used to do & that is *very* frustrating for me!
I tend to be a very independent person & don’t like when I cannot do something myself. I do not like to rely on others to do what I think I can/should be able to do myself. I think that God is trying to make me humble myself and accept help from others when I normally wouldn’t even let others know I needed the help.

With that being said, it’s ok to ask for help! Nothing wrong with saying/telling/letting a friend know that you cannot do this and ask for help. Real/true friends won’t mind helping you out. I have always told my friends that if they ever needed anything then to just ask me. It’s time that I start taking my own advice and seeking out those friends. Which I have and I am so very thankful for those friends that I have in my life.

My point, that I hope y’all can see, is that you (I) may not think you will get through the next day, hour, minute…you will! You cannot do it on your own. As much as you  (I) may want to, you just can’t. You need your spouse, friends, family, & most importantly, God. You won’t be able to do anything without Him. Take a step back, rearrange your list, and see what’s more important. Schedule a ‘do nothing’ day every week! It will help, I promise!

*Disclaimer- what I just typed up is just as much for me as for you. I need to read this later and take my own advice. I don’t have all the answers & I am much better at telling others what they should do than actually doing it myself. I would love to hear your ideas on how you deal with these kind of moments in your life. We have to stick together!*

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Bees Knees

This post actually has nothing to do with bees but I thought it was catchy, haha!

I am probably just as tired about talking about my knees as you are hearing about them. This will be my last post about my knees unless something changes.

Mister made me take an Epson salt bath last night after all the kiddos were in bed. I wasn’t sure what it was supposed to do or anything like that.
I was surprised that after I had gotten out that I could feel a difference in my knees. The pain was drastically reduced and I wasn’t in pain just walking. Mister also commented saying that I didn’t look labored while walking. Score! So glad that I found something that would work!
As I was getting a few last minute things before climbing into bed for the night I could feel the stiffness and tightening coming back into my knees though. So I hurried so that I could enjoy not being in pain for awhile.
I actually woke up sometime time between 4:30-5:00am this morning from the pain. I must have been sleeping weird and had my knees bent oddly because I haven’t woken up from the pain before.

Mister told me to do a few more Epson salt baths before I start walking again.
I am also icing my knees today and keeping them elevated.
I am also going to do some stretching today.

Mister is pretty sure that I have something called knee bursitis.
He actually had this a few years ago in one of his knees from playing soccer. He ended up needing cortisone shots to make his knee better.
I am hoping that I do not have to go through this. I am my fathers daughter and would probably pass out from this.
(I am, in many ways, a big wimp! Haha!)

I will be trying different things to try and avoid the Dr. But I will look into the cost and see what they have to say.

I am super frustrated with this as I was actually doing well and enjoying my walks/runs. I have been set back now because of this. I just want this pain to go away so that I can get back to what I was doing and continue to make progress.

That’s it for now. Will update about this if anything changes!

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Weigh in #12

I was supposed to get this up Monday but there was just a lot going on & I wasn’t able to.

I weigh myself on Tuesday morning and it said 217.2. Not happy about that. But again I am not doing anything in the exercise department to have that number change.
Mister thinks it’s stress related but I have no idea. This weekend and late last week were pretty stressful for me. Some things have been taken care of, so maybe that number will be less next week!

I am still trying to stop myself from over eating & doing a good job. Doing much better at making my choices too. And drinking more water.

I notice that when I don’t drink as much water that I put on a few pounds. Does that happen with anyone else too!?

Anyway, not much to report this week. Hopefully next week will be better!

See ya Monday 🙂

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Weigh in #8

If you didn’t ready last weeks post, here is what my number was:
211.

I was completely shocked when I stepped onto the scale and saw that number. Wasn’t something that I was expecting at all!

I stepped on the scale this morning and this was my number:
214.

What?! How did I gain 3 pounds in a week & didn’t change my diet and exercised?!

I was discouraged when I saw that number. I thought oh well, I started exercising and will get that number down again.
I can tell a difference in the way my jeans fit and the way my belly looks & feels. I know something is happening, it just doesn’t want to show up on the scale for whatever reason.

Now that our fast is over, I will be putting in my food intake on Myfitnesspal again. Along with my exercises that I will be doing.
I am confident that I can reach my goal!

I am planning on starting Zumba next month.
Plus walking.
Plus an exercise DVD.
Plus some sort of strength training.

I want to feel good about myself. I want to play with the kiddos and not feel like my chest is caving in on it self.
I know that I can still eat what I want when doing this. It’s all about how much I am eating, not always what I am eating.

Anyway, that’s the update for this week. I am planning on posting the exercise that I am doing so that y’all can follow along or make your own!

Until next Monday 🙂

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Weigh in #5

It sucks that I have to report that I’ve gained about 1/2 pound this past week. On the other hand I expected it especially the way I’ve been eating. It’s not that I’ve been eating junk, because there really isn’t any in the house, but I’ve been eating more snack food. The only meal I’m eating is dinner. This isn’t good. The majority of the day I’m just so busy that I’m grabbing something rather than sitting and having a meal. Plus I’m honestly not even hungry enough to sit and have a meal until it’s dinner time.

I know that I need to start tracking my food again on myfitnesspal but I just haven’t stopped to add anything. And, to be honest, I don’t even remember what I’ve eaten most of the time!

That’s the update for this week. Hopefully next week will be different but I haven’t gotten back on track yet so I would be surprised if it were the same.

Until next week 🙂

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Bummed

Remember in the last post how I told you that I had sent an email to a lady on Craigslist about a house that is for rent?
Well I haven’t heard from her yet and it’s been almost a week 😦
I was really hoping to talk to her and see what she was looking for and see if we could work with her on getting the house. But that doesn’t look like it will happen.
If you would like, please feel free to check out the ad here. I really like what I see and read about this house, but I guess it isn’t meant to be.

I just want the time to get closer so we can start looking for real at places instead of just ‘window’ shopping.