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Dear Inner Voice

Shove it! Just shut up! 

You have not been nice to me for over 2 weeks. You haven’t had one nice thing to say to me during this time period. I don’t know why or what you are trying to accomplish but stop. 

You’ve had me doubt friendships and choices. Making me think I’m less than and being replaced. You’ve made me feel worthless and crazy. You’ve made me want to crawl in a hole and just be alone. You’ve made me feel like everyone is against me and that I’m a burden to those that care about me. You’ve made me feel bitter and hateful towards people that I normally wouldn’t feel this way. You’ve put wedges between relationships. 

You suck. I don’t like you. Where did you come from and why are you treating me this way? 

I don’t know those answers but I do know that I’m not letting you win anymore. I win. You lose. 

Tomorrow is a new day and my thoughts are going to be positive. They are going to be nice.  Encouraging. Uplifting. 

You are not invited anymore. Go bother someone else. 

I win. 

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#reallifemommiemoments

Happy Friday!

Now, onto a mom rant!

For the past few weeks I have been volunteering up at my local library (been enjoying it more than I thought!) and haven’t had the time to do much around the house. Once I get home from the library, it’s time to get the kiddos from school, then it’s on to homework, dinner, usually some extracurricular activity, story (if time allows), and then bed time for the kiddos. I am exhausted, to say the least, by this time. I usually try to clean up from dinner, get a load in the dishwasher going, and a load in the washing machine before heading to bed myself.

Well this past week I haven’t been able to get up to the library due to having either a sick Mister and/or sick kiddos. This means that I’ve been home more this week but I still haven’t accomplished anything. My house is still a mess, laundry (clean & dirty) is still piled a mile high. Dishes are piling up faster than I can keep up. My mop & broom have put in for their retirement because they haven’t been put to work in so long. At least the trash is being taken care of! We have our tree but there’s nothing on it yet and it’s not even in the spot we want it. (How many more days until it’s too late to put it up?!)

I am just a whiny cracky mess lately.

As I sit here writing this trying to get my two year old to listen, cross my fingers that my 4 month old enjoys her swing long enough for me to write this, and make sure my two sickies are taken care of all I can think about is none of this will matter next week, month, year. None of this chaos is going to traumatize anyone (well maybe the mop & broom when they figure out they can’t retire). The mess will always be there. Laundry means my family has clothes. Dishes mean my family has full bellies. My dogs mean that we are in a spot where we can enjoy family pets. And Christmas will always come back around. I try (and it’s very hard for me most times) to focus on the well being of my family rather than the look. By look I don’t mean that I don’t care if they are dirty/bathed/combed kinda thing. What I mean by look is that I am not trying to portray my family as something it’s not. My house isn’t spotless. My house is used/lived in, not a display case. I have little people running/over taking my home 95% of the day. A spotless house is on my list but it’s many years done the line. What is at the top of my list is that my family is alive, healthy, and the house is still standing by the end of the day. Whatever I can get done in between those things is just a bonus.
This is also something that drives me crazy! I want to have a spotless house with a white picket fence and a tire swing hanging from the tree. I want things organized and in it’s place. I want to walk through my house without stepping/tripping over something. I want to be able to open my front door and not feel the need to apologize for what it looks like. I cannot wait for the day what I want happens.

Until that day comes, if ever, I will do my very best with what I can do now. It’s not your house nor your life. It’s different, not wrong. We all have some sort of chaos going on in our life.

For now I will try to push aside all this stress and frustration and overwhelmingness that I have because my list isn’t getting done & my house looks like a mess &&&&&…..

I will take one moment at a time. It’s all I can do since my plans never fall in place and never go the way that I want them to. Let me get through sick kiddos. Let me survive until nap time. Let me have a clean plate to eat lunch off of. Let me go because I am praying that wasn’t the school that just left a message telling me I have another kiddo sick!

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Take 2

If you didn’t read my post about having a bad day with my kiddos, please go read that one first & then come back here!

So after I typed up that post, I tried really hard to be more aware of my reactions & words. I think that compared to the day before, it was a much better improvement. I don’t think I yelled once yesterday. I did raise my voice and was still stern.

Today on the other hand isn’t going as well as yesterday went. I have yelled & said things I shouldn’t have. There is no excuse to why I am not being more aware today. The truth is though that their whining, complaining, and fighting have just worn on me more today than yesterday. Does it make it ok for me to react in this manner? Absolutely not!

I am trying and will continue to try. Imperfect progress (thanks Lysa TerKeurst!) As long I am making an effort, trying, becoming more aware, and then applying what I am learning….I am ok with that imperfect progress. I don’t want to become stagnant in my parenting & be content where I am. There is always something to change and to learn from.

The kiddos just woke up from nap time & I have a new beginning to make things better than they were earlier. No need for me to wait until tomorrow to change the direction of this day & my attitude.

I think that I am going to keep updating about this. It makes me, not only become more aware, but also more accountable. I don’t want to report something that will be embarrassing or something that I am ashamed of. We will see how it works.

Share your imperfect progress 🙂

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Mommie and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Yesterday evening was one of those days. I was just irritated with all of my children for their behavior. Their lack of respect for me. The fact that they took over an hour and a half to clean the living room, which isn’t that big to begin with. The fact that they whined about everything they were told to do.
They were able to play all day & do what they wanted. At 5pm yesterday is when I told them it was time to clean up the living room & kitchen area. All messes they made. I don’t know why they choose not to listen & clean up after themselves. I don’t know why I have to repeat myself several times a day, everyday. Aren’t they tired of hearing me yell!? Aren’t they tired of spending their free time cleaning up!? Aren’t they going to learn that if they pick up as they go then they won’t have to spend their free time cleaning!? Don’t they get it!?

Wait! Don’t I get it?! Don’t I get that my approach hasn’t been working?! Don’t I get that by me yelling isn’t accomplishing anything productive!? Don’t I get that maybe I should try something different with them?! Don’t I get that my way of doing things isn’t their way of doing things!? They are 4 (Kiddo #5 isn’t really old enough right now, though I am trying with her) different people who think, act, process, and do things 4 different ways.

This isn’t some ‘ah ha’ moment that I had for the first time yesterday. It’s something that I have known for awhile but haven’t learned to change my behavior in these moments. I can think clearly afterwards but I cannot go back and change the damage that I have already caused. I need to learn how to fix my approach and attitude before I can even begin to think that my children will change theirs. It starts with me. I am the example for these 5 children. If I react with rage, anger, hurtful words, & chaos…why in the world would I think that they would react any differently than me!?

If I want them to act differently towards me than I need to be the one to show them how to treat me. This concept isn’t new and is clearly stated in the Bible: “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets”, Matthew 7:12 NIV.
So if it spells it out clearly how I should treat others, why do I think that my way would work better than the Bible!? I am crazy to even think that would work! I need to get my head on straight and start living what I believe.

I haven’t stopped thinking about this since I kept replaying the evening in my head. It had been bothering me. It has been sitting heavy on my heart. Usually when this happens, I think about it, say I am going to change, and then fall back into the same trap. This time feels differently within me. I am ready to change my ways in order to show my children how to treat people. Just because I (or any of them) get upset with someone, doesn’t mean that my actions/words are justified. I need to remain calm & think before I speak and act. Mmmmm, sounds like something that I tell my children. Maybe I should start practicing what I am preaching!?

Today is a new day.
Today I start over.
Today I have already messed up.
That’s ok.
I can still start over and not have to wait for a new day.
I can start over in a new hour, 1/2 hour, & minute.
I need to take things slowly.
I need to think before I speak. If that means that I listen to what my children have to tell me and then tell them that I need to think about it before I deal with the situation, then that’s what I need to do. I need to be more aware of what I am projecting. I need to be intentional about my actions and words. I am the example. If I want our family to live & be different than the world, then it starts with me. I cannot expect my wants for my family to happen if I cannot show, not just tell, them how to act & speak.

It starts with me.
It starts today.

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I will survive! I hope :/

Most days I don’t know how I will get through the day.
Some days I don’t know how I will get through the next hour.

I think it mostly has to do with the things that I put on myself.
I am adding to my to do list much faster than I can cross things off. I chalk that up to nesting.
Nesting is taking over my brain & my body! I cannot do things fast enough and I am forever adding to what I want to get done.

Notice I said want. I didn’t say need. Most of my lists are wants. There’s nothing wrong with that but I am overwhelming myself more than I actually need to. There are some days I have to tell myself that it’s ok that I don’t get all my items checked off my list. It’s ok that the house isn’t in great condition. I also need to be careful with this grace. I tend to take advantage of this grace & end up doing nothing. Which, again, there is nothing wrong with that.

I have tried to plan things for my kiddos to keep them busy this summer. This adds to my overwhelming feeling too. If they are stuck at home all summer long with nothing to do…we will all go crazy!

I think that no matter how many kiddos a parent has, this applies to all of us at some point. Even though it’s summer time & we, usually, have less to do, we need to make sure that we make time/room for our kiddos to do something & get their energy out!

We are only in the 2nd week of summer where we live & school doesn’t start until the last week of August. That is a lot of days to fill with things to do for my kiddos.
I don’t want every single day to be filled with something. Not only will it wear my out but they just don’t need every minute of every day filled with something.
During the school year, Mondays are usually my ‘do nothing’ days. I think that I am going to keep that going & include the kiddos in this. I know that some Mondays already have something scheduled but that even happens to me during the school year. Nothing wrong with that. No problem with switching Monday with another day during the week. Give yourself that allowance & grace. If it’s not on Monday every week, that’s ok! Sometimes Mondays can be my busiest days. Even though it can upset me that my Mondays get thrown off, I have to remind myself that life isn’t always going to fit into my calendar/agenda. I have to tell myself that just because my ‘do nothing’ day isn’t on a Monday doesn’t mean that I have to wait until next Monday to have this day.

My kiddos deserve a break from having a schedule. And so do I.

I have also found that I am trying to do so much in one day & then beating myself up if I don’t get those things done. Again, I am not a super human. I have to slow down and do what my body can handle. Some days I can do more than others. Some days I am lucky if I do more than just feed my kiddos. I also know that being this pregnant is playing more of a part than I would like to admit. My body just isn’t what it used to be. I cannot do what I used to do & that is *very* frustrating for me!
I tend to be a very independent person & don’t like when I cannot do something myself. I do not like to rely on others to do what I think I can/should be able to do myself. I think that God is trying to make me humble myself and accept help from others when I normally wouldn’t even let others know I needed the help.

With that being said, it’s ok to ask for help! Nothing wrong with saying/telling/letting a friend know that you cannot do this and ask for help. Real/true friends won’t mind helping you out. I have always told my friends that if they ever needed anything then to just ask me. It’s time that I start taking my own advice and seeking out those friends. Which I have and I am so very thankful for those friends that I have in my life.

My point, that I hope y’all can see, is that you (I) may not think you will get through the next day, hour, minute…you will! You cannot do it on your own. As much as you  (I) may want to, you just can’t. You need your spouse, friends, family, & most importantly, God. You won’t be able to do anything without Him. Take a step back, rearrange your list, and see what’s more important. Schedule a ‘do nothing’ day every week! It will help, I promise!

*Disclaimer- what I just typed up is just as much for me as for you. I need to read this later and take my own advice. I don’t have all the answers & I am much better at telling others what they should do than actually doing it myself. I would love to hear your ideas on how you deal with these kind of moments in your life. We have to stick together!*

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Prayer and petition

I usually don’t post a blog this late &, actually, wasn’t going to until I read the word petition.

There have been some things that have been on my mind lately.
Ok, let me get more real than that.
There have been many things that have been weighing on me & consuming my thoughts. Today it seemed like they all hit me at once + just doing our daily life.

It hasn’t happened but at any minute I feel like I am going to need a brown paper bag to start taking deep breaths into.
I can see the anxiety attack coming a mile away.

I don’t want the attack to happen. I can’t let Satan, my thoughts, and these worldly troubles bother me/get me down/torture me to this point. It’s not healthy, unproductive, and not what God wants for me. And it’s definitely not something that I want for myself.

So after we came home from a family visit (which we had a great time today!), everyone was in bed (including Mister), and the last few loads of laundry (at least for now) were going, I knew that I have to get into the word. There was no other way for me to have the heaviness be lifted off my chest, shoulders, and heart. I have been praying for about certain things lately but prayer just doesn’t seem to be doing it anymore for these specific things. That’s another reason I knew that I had to read His word.
Most of the time I don’t know where to start, especially when I am craving/needing some specific.
First, since my phone was almost dead & charging, I logged into my YouVersion account on my laptop to read and get what I needed.
I soon realized I wasn’t getting anything or anywhere. Well, that’s not entirely true. I bookmarked Matthew 6:19-34 & read it about twice.

My heart didn’t feel that was enough. It knew I needed/wanted more than that.
I pulled out my Bible and turned to the back where it lists specific topics & where to find them.
I go to and read the page under the “Anxiety” section.
I read it, get it, and underline a few points that stood out to me.
Then I turn to the second page that is under this section.
The page was on the right but on the left was a verse that I have highlighted before.
After I read that verse, I knew that I didn’t need to read whatever the other page had to say.
It was exactly what I needed to hear/see.
I patted my Bible, smiled, and said “Thank you Lord. I needed that.”

Like I said at the start of this post, I wasn’t even planning on typing anything up about this until I got my thoughts together more. (If this seems rambled & off it’s because I am doing this unplanned and winging it.)
I was just going to write a journal entry crying out to God and praying over what’s been consuming me.
Until I got to the word ‘petition’ in this verse.

Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

I was going to (and still planning) do all this. And then I thought of another verse (Matthew 18:19, ” Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven”)

This is where the petition part comes in. I may be wrong in this, and if I am please point it out to me, but it doesn’t say to petition alone. So I am asking anyone who would like to or feels lead to, to please keep us in your prayers. Be in agreement with us that His will is done, that we listen to what He tells us, and that we are at peace with what He is giving us.
I know that I would rather say to be in agreement with what we want and what we think is best, but I know those things may not be His plan for us. I have to release what I want (even though it’s not easy at all and something that I struggle with all the time) and do what He wants.

I will be writing out an entry in my journal tonight like the verses says. This is me doing the other part of the verse….the petition part.
Thank you to each one of you that stands in our corner & says a prayer for us tonight, it means more than I could ever express. ❤

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Heavy heart

My heart has been super heavy lately for friends and family that are going through life. There are just so many struggles going on and there is nothing that I can do expect pray for them. I am not saying that’s not enough, but when you see someone you love struggle with anything, you want to be there with them & help them through this time.

Recently I have connected with an old friend from high school and found out some details about her that just break my heart. I have not heard the story from her but from a mutual friend that has been talking with her sister. And you can just look at this friend and know that she isn’t well. My heart is not only broken about her but what her parents must be going through also. And not only have I found out that she has been heavy into drugs but also that she lost her 8 month old son 5 years ago. No one (from what I have heard) even knew she was pregnant let alone knew about her son passing. I don’t know the story because my friend didn’t go into detail but he died in his crib. How incredibly heartbreaking!

I was talking with this mutual friend about all this information we were basically finding out at the same time in such a short period of time, and we are in such shock. This person you have never thought would fall into that world. Like I told my friend, anyone can fall into that world, it’s all a choice. But it doesn’t make it easier to deal with and have it sink in any better.

I have reached out to this friend and told her that I am here for her no matter what if she would like to talk about anything. I have given her my phone number and address. Some people communicate better in words rather than speaking, so I wanted to leave the door open for either to her. I really haven’t had her contact me other than a few messages back & forth. Hopefully she will open up to someone soon and get some help! I love her too much to see her like this and not  want something better for her.

I want to say to anyone going through a rough time or just need to talk through something or aren’t what to do about something…..PLEASE talk to someone! It doesn’t have to be a friend or a family member. There are so many hotlines out there. If you go to a church, talk to a pastor there. If you don’t want to talk to someone at your church, go to another one where they don’t know you like your home church might.  Talk to someone! I don’t really care who it is…..talk to someone that would be able to help you or get help for you. No one should ever go through anything alone! Please get in touch with someone and reach out to them. Cry, write things down, talk, draw….do something to help get your feelings out. You are never alone & someone has gone through what you are going through right this minute! Reach out!

Suicide Helplines
Depression 24/7 Helpline
Addiction Treatment Center
National Domestic Violence Hotline

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Our road trip

Wow, this road trip to TX was definitely an adventure! Some may hear our story and say that we had bad luck….I look at our story and say we re-learned to trust in God & be thankful.

Monday July 18, 2011- This is the big day….we were starting out on the road to our new home town! We were super excited & nothing was going to stop us! We left W’s house around noon & were driving down the highway, jamming to music, and calculating when we would arrive in Memphis for the night. I looked out the side mirror and saw smoke coming from the tail pipe. (At this point we are only 45 mins into our trip) Now mind you, Mark tested everything & made sure that everything was working correctly just a few days before we left. Everything was working fine- no leaks, nothing was falling apart, and everything was working correctly. So we pull over, look under the hood & under the truck. Mark starts to pour some transmission oil in because he said that it was just pouring out though he couldn’t figure out why. As he was pouring the oil in, some spilled out. Because under the hood was so hot (from driving)…it caught on fire!!! Not even joking! Mark had Powerade in his hand, so he poured that on there (then it smelled like cotton candy), and then he grabed a washcloth to try and put out the rest (which worked)! At this point we need to get to the closest auto parts store or an auto repair place. Wilson was the closest city & boy did it feel like forever to get there. We had to drive slowly because that’s all the truck would give us. We didn’t know exactly what was wrong at this point but knowing that we could only go about 20-30 mph, the outcome couldn’t have been all that great. We ended up finding Colony Tire in Wilson. Let me just say that the staff there is so friendly & helpful! After Mark & a guy from CT talked about what was wrong with the truck and how long it would take his guys to fix it, Mark wanted to talk to his old employer to see if they could get it fixed faster & cheaper. It took hours to get answers from people but CT allowed us to stay there, eat lunch, and just hang out until everything was worked out. CT towed the truck to PT for free! That was very nice of them! Mark got us a hotel for the night & W came and took us to it. Wasn’t much we could do at this point because it was close to 7pm. We had some dinner & called it a night.

Tuesday July 19, 2011- I woke up disappointed because I knew we should have been waking up in Memphis. There wasn’t anything I could do about that, so I just went about my day. Mark headed over to PT that morning to work on the truck & he was gone most of the day. After buying a new (used) transmission, putting it in, test driving, and making sure everything was working with that….we knew we could leave the next morning. So that night we had some dinner & just played in the pool. {Insert parents coming to the resuce}

Wednesday July 20, 2011- Woke up, had breakfast, & hit the open road…..for the second time! I know that you might wondering how the kids where doing through all this. Well they were holding up just fine. Playing in the pool & watching some TV…what more could a kid want?! So anyway, as we took off for the second time, I kept watching the clock to see if we would make it longer than 45 mins into the trip before something happened. Happy to report we made it all the way to Hickory NC before stopping for some lunch and stocking up on some food items. We made it all the way to Memphis on this leg of the trip. We arrived at the hotel at about 4am & all crashed once our heads hit the pillows!

Thursday July 21, 2011- Woke up after only a few hours of sleep, ate some breakfast, packed everything up, and started on the road again. We had planned to see some family & an old friend but none of that worked out. (Planning a trip up there soon to see them!) Our goal on this day was to make it to Wichita Falls late tonight & get things going in the morning. Things were going smoothly & we decided to stop at a gas station outside of Little Rock AR to fill up & take a potty break for everyone. After doing all of that & getting everyone something to eat and drink, Mark started the truck….or should I say tried to start the truck. We tried a few times but nothing. Couldn’t figure out why this was happening. Mark ended up calling one of his old co-workers to help him figure out what was going wrong. After 3 hours trying to figure out what was wrong & 3 hours to fix it……we were on the road again. By this time it was about 8.30pm central time. About an hour into us being on the road again something else happened. There was a truck ahead of us that was carrying bikes but didn’t have them secured down at all. Since it was dark outside Mark didn’t see what was going on until it was too late. 6 bikes came flying off this mans truck and we ended up running over it and getting a flat tire. I was so angry at this man! He stopped to pick up the bikes that flew out but did not stop to see if anyone was hurt or if there was damage caused by him not doing the proper thing to begin with!!! I called 911 & asked for someone to come out so we could (or should I say Mark) change the tire out safely. 2 officers & a voluntary firefighter come out to help direct traffic & make sure traffic moves over to the right lane. Mark is exhausted at this point from spending 6 hours figuring out & fixing the truck from earlier this day. We get the full spare on the truck & head to the closest gas station to make sure there is enough air in the tire. We get there & the air pump is broken…..and the tire is too flat to drive more. A trucker that was coming out of the gas station, stopped and asked if we needed anything, we told him we needed air in our tire & he told us that he could fill it up from his truck. By this time I told Mark that we should probably call it a night since there had been so much going on & before something else would happen. We stopped in Texarkana and stayed the night.

Friday July 22, 2011- Wake up, breafast, hit the road again. We were determined to make it to Wichita Falls before the sun set. From Texarkana we were about 4 or 5 hours away…we started driving about 10am central time, so we figured we would get into WF with plently of time to stop by and see Rick (guy interested in hiring Mark) and try and squeeze in a few apt showings. About 50 miles outside of WF our spare tire blew! Seconds after us pulling over, a man pulls up next to us & asks if we needed help, told him what happened, he asked if we saw that white building straight ahead, told us that was his shop, and to meet us there. So we drove the 2 seconds to his shop & he takes Mark a few miles up the road so he can purchase a new tire. The kids and I hang out in his house which had a bear skin rug….talk about repeating yourself for an hour about how it wasn’t alive & you could touch it! We finally make it to Wichita Falls around 4 something in the evening, central time.

This was just the road trip part….this isn’t any part of us being here yet! Yes, we had a lot of things go wrong on this trip but on the other hand, there was someone there helping us out along the way. I couldn’t be more thankful for the people that God placed in our path along this trip! If it wasn’t for Him…we would still be in NC.