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Rekindling friendships 

Life is funny sometimes….well all the time if we really look at things and how it all turns out. 
We find people we click with and want to do life with them. Those relationships either continue or are broken for whatever reason. Usually when they are broken, they stay broken. Too many times it’s over something so trivial and neither party wants to swallow that hard pill….pride. Pride is not our friend y’all! 

Sometimes those relationships are broken for good reasons and they should stay broken. 
Whatever the reason your relationship is broken, really look at the problem and be honest about it with yourself. It’s so much easier to hold a grudge than it is to mend that tear in the fabric of our friendships. 

In reality, that’s not what we are called to do. We aren’t told to hold grudges or leave things messy. 

We are first and foremost called to forgive. Forgiveness isn’t for the other person, believe me when I say, it’s for ourselves. Forgiveness allows the weight of the issue to leave your shoulders and you feel 100 pounds lighter. I know this is hard and takes time but it’s something we have to do. Holding onto unforgiveness is ugly and messy….no one wants that. (Matthew 4:16)
When you lose a friend and there’s an opportunity to heal and restart, take a moment and ask yourself (and put yourself in their shoes) if it’s something you can move past. Most of the time it is. People will do is wrong, lie, cheat, steal, and hurt us to the core. That is no excuse to not forgive. Pray about your particular situation and listen for your answer. Sometimes we have to do what we’re supposed to do instead of what we want in order to be obedient to Him. 
Proverbs 17:17

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#reallifemommiemoments

Happy Friday!

Now, onto a mom rant!

For the past few weeks I have been volunteering up at my local library (been enjoying it more than I thought!) and haven’t had the time to do much around the house. Once I get home from the library, it’s time to get the kiddos from school, then it’s on to homework, dinner, usually some extracurricular activity, story (if time allows), and then bed time for the kiddos. I am exhausted, to say the least, by this time. I usually try to clean up from dinner, get a load in the dishwasher going, and a load in the washing machine before heading to bed myself.

Well this past week I haven’t been able to get up to the library due to having either a sick Mister and/or sick kiddos. This means that I’ve been home more this week but I still haven’t accomplished anything. My house is still a mess, laundry (clean & dirty) is still piled a mile high. Dishes are piling up faster than I can keep up. My mop & broom have put in for their retirement because they haven’t been put to work in so long. At least the trash is being taken care of! We have our tree but there’s nothing on it yet and it’s not even in the spot we want it. (How many more days until it’s too late to put it up?!)

I am just a whiny cracky mess lately.

As I sit here writing this trying to get my two year old to listen, cross my fingers that my 4 month old enjoys her swing long enough for me to write this, and make sure my two sickies are taken care of all I can think about is none of this will matter next week, month, year. None of this chaos is going to traumatize anyone (well maybe the mop & broom when they figure out they can’t retire). The mess will always be there. Laundry means my family has clothes. Dishes mean my family has full bellies. My dogs mean that we are in a spot where we can enjoy family pets. And Christmas will always come back around. I try (and it’s very hard for me most times) to focus on the well being of my family rather than the look. By look I don’t mean that I don’t care if they are dirty/bathed/combed kinda thing. What I mean by look is that I am not trying to portray my family as something it’s not. My house isn’t spotless. My house is used/lived in, not a display case. I have little people running/over taking my home 95% of the day. A spotless house is on my list but it’s many years done the line. What is at the top of my list is that my family is alive, healthy, and the house is still standing by the end of the day. Whatever I can get done in between those things is just a bonus.
This is also something that drives me crazy! I want to have a spotless house with a white picket fence and a tire swing hanging from the tree. I want things organized and in it’s place. I want to walk through my house without stepping/tripping over something. I want to be able to open my front door and not feel the need to apologize for what it looks like. I cannot wait for the day what I want happens.

Until that day comes, if ever, I will do my very best with what I can do now. It’s not your house nor your life. It’s different, not wrong. We all have some sort of chaos going on in our life.

For now I will try to push aside all this stress and frustration and overwhelmingness that I have because my list isn’t getting done & my house looks like a mess &&&&&…..

I will take one moment at a time. It’s all I can do since my plans never fall in place and never go the way that I want them to. Let me get through sick kiddos. Let me survive until nap time. Let me have a clean plate to eat lunch off of. Let me go because I am praying that wasn’t the school that just left a message telling me I have another kiddo sick!

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#30daysofthanks

You all know this hashtag by now, I mean it is the end of November.

I think that I always jump on this bandwagon every year. I don’t think there’s ever been a year that I actually completed 30 days. And seeing the lack of posts in my newsfeed by the end of the month, I’m not the only one. They say 21 days makes a habit but I can never make it that far into the month, ha!

So, if I don’t finish my #30daysofthanks, does that mean I’m not thankful!?

Absolutely not!

I think we should be thankful for everything, everyday. I know that more people are than aren’t. I understand why it’s more focused on in November. This time of year brings to our attention why we should be thankful for what we have and how great our lives actually are. Our focus kinda gets put on the back burner the other 95% of the year. I can totally see how and why that happens. Life happens. Life gets in the way. Our lives are our bubbles and sometimes the things that happen in our bubble are just so consuming that we forget to look outside our bubble. What happens in my bubble may not be a big deal in your bubble and vice versa. We tend to not be as merry and bright the rest of the year. We don’t put as much emphasize on giving and others the rest of the year.

Or maybe you & your family does. I know that our daily events get in the way I/we forget or choose not to focus on it. I’ve got a lot going on in my life daily that I’d rather not think of everyone else’s problems. As harsh as that may sound, it’s true and I know I’m not the only that thinks like this. It’s not meant to be mean or offensive to anyone but it is the truth.

Let me be real with you right now. My attitude, words, and thoughts have been anything but thankful these couple of days, almost a week. I see myself being thankful in certain moments or when things go a certain way. I’m seeing that I’m not so thankful when those moments aren’t going my way or something unexpectedly happens that throws a wrench in my plans. I have been spewing words of anger, hate, and just plain nasty words to my family. This is not ok. This isn’t me being the best me that I can be. This isn’t me setting a good example for my children. This isn’t me being a safe/happy place for my family to enjoy. I’m wallowing in my own self pity and getting so mad about something that won’t even matter next week. And if it will matter next week, it’s not even a big deal. I am not liking this side of me at all. I feel awful and horrible about how I’ve been treating my family and the words that have been coming out of my mouth. I am ashamed and would be embarrassed if anyone overheard me.

 

And so because of this, I am giving myself a challenge. You can join me if you’d like, you can help hold me accountable, you can just simply read my posts, or you can do nothing. All are acceptable and perfectly fine for you.

Starting January 1, 2015 I am going to be posting what I am thankful for every day for 365 days. It seems like a big task and. Bit overwhelming. I mean, I can’t even post for 30 days what I’m thankful for, what makes me think that I can do 365? I have no idea! But I am going to challenge myself. This is something that I am doing for myself and no one else. I’m not proving anything to anyone. The one reason I am making a public statement is, mostly, for accountability. Plus, I know someone else out there will need to check their attitude & words also. I’m not the only person out there having this negative nancy on their shoulder.

Im putting a stop to it before it gets too far out of hand. I’m the only person that can control this. I’m the only person that can make myself change. I cannot do it for anyone else but myself. I’m sure that by the end I will be a happier person.

Will I have days where I don’t want to find the good and be thankful for something? Yes. Will it be hard to come up with so many things? Sure. Will I miss a day? Or two? Probably! In the end though, it’s not about how many days in a row I did this. Or how many days in a row I missed. It’s a heart thing. It’s a happy heart thing. It’s always about the heart. Good and evil. It’s a heart and mindset kinda thing.

Let’s change our hearts & minds so that we can become the change we want to see I our spouses, kiddos, family members, friends, and communities. Sounds super cheesy, I know.

But I also know that it’s true.

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I’m a selfish best friend

Disclaimer: this is my pity party. I am writing this the same day that I received the news. This will be published days after the news was broke to me. I know this makes me sound incredibly selfish and not a very good best friend at all but this is how I honestly feel. This is me being real with my initial feelings about this. Will I always feel like this? No. Will it take time? Yes. (This was written on 11/24/14). 

 

My mind is all over the place, my heart is broken, there’s a constant lump in my throat, and tears ready to run down my face at any given moment.

^ This is how I’ve been feeling all day today since this morning when my best friend told me that she was moving. I feel like kicking and screaming and demanding that she isn’t allowed to do this to me.

I’ve always had friends. I don’t ever remember a time that I didn’t have friends. Friends come and go. Some stay for awhile and some are gone as fast as they developed. Some make us stronger, some make smarter, and some make us better. I’ve had all kinds of friends. I’ve had great friends and I’ve had friends that have stabbed me in the back. I have a few friends that I call real friends. A few that are best friends. And even fewer friends that I call family. This girl is family.

I’ve  only met this friend a little over a year ago. I didn’t even know she existed until September (maybe) of 2013. We’ve grown close fast and I wouldn’t trade any of what I’ve been through with her…..even if it meant she wouldn’t move. I feel like a little girl who’s friend is moving and they just cry and cry.

I was so shocked when I read the Facebook message from her. At first I wondered why she didn’t tell me in person but on the other hand I was glad she didn’t because I probably would have started crying. And not the pretty cry either, the dreaded ugly cry. As thrilled as I am for her & her family (and I truly am), I would like nothing better than if everything just fell apart & they ended up staying here. I know that is incredible selfish of me. I know that no best friend really wants this to happen. I know that this is part of Gods plan for them. I know that I want the best for the her (and her family), even if that means I can’t be apart of her daily life anymore.

There was so much that I was looking forward to doing with her and her new born daughter. Our girls are only 4 months apart. I thought we were going to raise them together. I thought they’d grow up together and be bffs. I am now having to put my wants aside and plan new things.

(I know all this may sound pathetic to some that I am this upset about my friend moving but there are those few friends who mean so much more than just another friend.)

She’s only moving two hours away, so day visits aren’t out of the question. I would get to visit a city that I’ve never been to. Those are the only positives that I can find right now. Plus, I’m the only one here that knows she’s moving. I can’t even have a pity party with our other friends about this! It’s going to happen so quickly too. They are planning on being moved and settled into their new lives by the first of the year. I won’t have time to process much of this by the time she gone.

And my 2 year old. My 2 year old daughter absolutely loves her. Tells me she wants her all the time. The smile and happiness that spreads all over her face when she sees her Gigi is irreplaceable. I hope she takes this news better than I am. Plus side is, again, she’s only two hours away.

Im still trying to process what I was told, the time in which it’s happening, and the fact that she won’t be here anymore. Why now? Why this fast?

I have other friends and best friends here in this town & I don’t want any of them moving and would be just has upset if they told me this news. I thought our circle would be here forever and we’d raise our kiddos together and be old before our circle was broken up. I am just so sad. But I know these plans aren’t mine and they aren’t even hers, they are His and they are perfect.

I will miss you so much friend.

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My threats aren’t empty anymore

How many times have you threatened your child with taking away a toy or saying that you are going to throw everything away if they didn’t clean it!?

All the time, right?

Sometimes we follow through but most of the time we are just using these threats to get our kiddos to do what we want them to do in that moment and usually we are making the same threats the very next week.

Why? Why can’t they just listen the first time and remember it? Why do I have to repeat myself so many times about the same things?

At the beginning of the summer, I told them that I wanted their rooms cleaned. That way they wouldn’t have to spend all summer cleaning but just maintaining. Told them I would help organize and find homes for everything.

What should have taken no more than 2 days turned into months (and no, I’m not exaggerating either). I kept saying that if it wasn’t picked up within a certain time frame that I was just going to throw away whatever was on their floor. I mean they couldn’t have cared too much about it if it we’re left on the floor to be stepped on & broken. Oh the fits that we’re thrown with every threat I claimed I was going to do. Not only was I getting worn out fighting with them, I started to get upset with myself. I even went as far as asking if any local friends had a snow shovel that I could borrow so that I can could throw their stuff out! Why was I saying things that I probably wasn’t going to do in the first place? Would I really ever follow through with just throwing away whatever was on their floor? Would I have reach that point?

Yes.

The answer is yes. I did reach that point. I did throw away whatever was on their floor without even looking to see what was there. I did follow through with my threat.

I did feel horrible for throwing their things away. I did feel bad that they lost things. Like I said just a few sentences ago, and something that I said & continue to say my kiddos, if you wanted it so bad in the first place then you would have taken better care of it & not allowed it to end up on the floor.

Every now and then I will go in the boy’s room and see what it looks like. If it’s not in acceptable order to me then I give them a time frame & whatever isn’t picked up gets thrown away. I’ve only had to do it once after the first time. I hope they get the message.

I’m not doing this to be mean. I’m doing this to prove a point to them. I have to stick to my word. I cannot just keep saying I’m going to do something and then never do it. That teaches them that I’m not accountable and that they can keep doing it. It’s making it ok for them to do something that isn’t ok. I hope that I don’t have to do it anymore. I hope that they got the message that I’m serious about their rooms.

I’ve applied this mentality to everything else. If I say something I really try to follow through with it. I need to be careful what my threat is and make sure that I’m honestly willing follow through with that threat and not change my mind. Now I do give 2nd chances/extend grace but it’s pretty much base don’t their attitude towards me. I can tell when they are truly sorry/forgetful/confused/insert anything and they are just saying it to get their way.  Sometimes I give them their 2nd chance even when they don’t deserve it or have earned it. (That is a whole other blog post though)

This is what is working in our household right now. It may not work next week. It may not work in your household. That’s ok, I don’t expect it to. I would love to hear what does work for you!

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When will this baby come!?

I don’t have this answer.

What I do know is that I am trying my hardest to relish what time I have left of this pregnancy. This could be the last time I feel one of my children from the inside. The last time that I carry around a belly that sparks conversation no matter where I go. The last time that I feel little hiccups that make my belly jump.
I have been pregnant more than I haven’t. I’ve never gone very long without carrying a baby inside me. The thought that this could be my last time, throws me back a bit. To not experience any of this again is a little mind blowing.

As my days are numbered with this little one growing inside my belly, I’ve been thinking about all this. I’ve become a bit emotional about it. Half of me wants to stay pregnant as long as I possibly can and the other half wants to get this show on the road so I can meet this baby!
I’m not sure what to do with or how to process all these emotions at one time and in such a short amount of time.

I know this baby will come on His terms. No matter what I do, this baby’s birthday is completely out of my hands. Again, part of me is completely fine with that and part of me is not.

I want to hold this baby. I want to smell that newborn smell. I want to experience labor & delivery one more time. I want to meet our 6th child.

I don’t normally blog this late but my thoughts aren’t letting me relax and I needed to get this out. My mind is going rapidly and a crazy these last few days because this pregnancy is coming to an end…..and very soon.

All I want is a healthy baby and a successful vbac delivery.

Oh and to hold Landon or Emma 🙂

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Week long camp

Our oldest son has been gone since Monday morning.
This is the first time that he has been gone for this long this far away from home.

When we signed him up for this camp months ago he was very excited about going! We’ve heard nothing but great things about kids going to this camp and wanted him to experience it as well.
Feelings changed over this past weekend when it came time to actually pack his bag. He did not want anything to do with packing or going to this camp. He felt like he would get too homesick and miss us too much. Completely understandable, I mean he is only 10 year old. We reassured him that he would probably miss us but that was ok & he would be having too much fun anyway! He didn’t like that answer and just knew that we were wrong.
We were packing his suitcase Sunday evening & checking items off the list that was provided for us. As he was packing more and more, he slowly started to become more excited about camp. Towards the end of him packing up, he tried one more time to get us to let him stay home. He promised that he would pay all the money back that we spent signing him up for camp. I had to explain to him a few times that it wasn’t about the money, even if it was free to attend. This was about him going somewhere that would impact his life & he would, hopefully & prayerfully, come back with a different heart than when he left.

{Disclaimer: He doesn’t have a bad heart to begin with. What I mean is him beginning changed by this experience and coming out with more knowledge about God and himself.}

Monday morning rolled around and, again, he was excited as we were putting his things in the truck and on the drive to our church. We had to be there before the bus arrived so that we could get him all signed in & all that good stuff. I think the wait & the fact that he had time to think started to upset him again. He was fine loading his items on the bus but when it came time to get a group picture & actually get on the bus is when he started to cry. We let him know that he was going with kids & adults that he knew, he would have so much fun (they were able to pick the activities they wanted to do when we signed him up), and that there would be so much going on that he wouldn’t have time to miss us. Again, that didn’t work.
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As much as we love our son and don’t want him to be scared or anything, we knew that we had to push him into this. We knew that he would have fun. We knew that he would get so much out of attending this camp. We knew that he had to go. We kissed & hugged him, said we loved him, and let him know that he’d be back before he knew it, & sent him on his way. We stayed until the bus pulled away in case he was watching out the window….we couldn’t figure out where he was sitting.

A friend of ours had to end up driving her son down to the camp & her daughter texted me to let me know that they saw him and he was having fun…..shocker!!! Plus one of the leaders have been tagging me in pictures on Facebook of him. Here are some 🙂
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Looks like he’s having a great time to me 🙂

He comes back this Friday & I can’t wait to see him and hear all about his week 🙂