No matter your age, income, job, residence, color, relgion…..we have all experienced a toxic friend. Some of us hang onto that friend for different reasons, some of us don’t realize it until it’s too late, and some of us are that toxic friend.
I ‘like’ The Stir on FB. Sometimes the posts they make catch my attention and other times I don’t even bother clicking on the link to see what the rest of the post has to say. But when I saw they posted about toxic friends….it definitely caught my attention.
Like I said before, we have all had a toxic friend and\or been that toxic friend. I think a lot of it depends on our own personal maturity level. I know that I have had toxic friends & I am sure that I have been that toxic friend (no one has told me this, but I am sure that I have been). But here is my question…..why aren’t we telling our friends that they are toxic? Why are we hanging onto those toxic friends? What is causing us to be that toxic friend? Is this toxic relationship worth ‘fixing’?
Here is my opinion on all of this!
Why aren’t we telling our friends they are toxic?
I think a lot of us aren’t telling our friends that they are toxic is because of the drama that would probably stem from voicing this. We might lose this friend if we say that to her. We don’t want to hurt her feelings. The list could go on and on. But in a way by us not speaking up….aren’t we enabling them to be toxic?! There are different ways to being this up to your girlfriend….but no matter what you say or how you say it, telling her that she is toxic will hurt her feelings. But you can be nice about it. Don’t tell her when she has made you mad because then you are telling her out of anger instead of love. Ask yourself if you would someone to tell you if you were being toxic. If your answer is yes….then most likely your friends answer would be yes. Maybe she is going through a rough time…..help her through it. I also think this all depends on the depth of your relationship with her. Is it a new friendship or a friend that you have been close to for years? Ask these questions and it will help you to determine whether or not to walk away or try and help her. You don’t have to tell her to her face either. To avoid a face to face confrontation, write her a note, an email, or a FB message. That way you can also put all your thoughts out there & make sure you say everything that you want to & review it to make sure you have come across the way you want to. She may be upset and hurt that you said she is a toxic friend but if she wants to change, she will thank you in the end!
Why are we hanging onto these friends?
Ask yourself this…why? Is it because we like drama and hanging onto her will fill that drama without you having to cause some? Are you a fixer….meaning you like to help people fix themselves? Ask yourself this question and be honest. I think once you figure out this question, you will be able to move forward. You may have some insecurities and to get your mind of those, you are hanging onto to someone who can over-shadow you. Figure out why you are still friends with this toxic friend….there is always a reason. You might have to dig deep and be 100% honest with yourself….but it’s best for you!
What is causing us to be that toxic friend?
Do you have a negative outlook on this? Are you going through a rough time? Do you have some insecurities that you are trying to hide from others? Are you letting those insecurities shine through without trying to work them? I know you may be hurt when a friend tells you that you are a toxic friend. But don’t get mad at her for being honest with you. I am sure her intention was to try and bring it to your attention so you work on it. Let’s be honest, no one wants to be around someone who is toxic. You could even ask your friend how you are being toxic? Is it things that you say? How you say them? Are your actions toxic as well? Get real with yourself!!! I am pretty sure that you don’t want to be toxic & that you didn’t become toxic on purpose. Now if you do want to be toxic….well then be prepared to loose friends. There is nothing wrong with being toxic as long as you are willing to work on it.
Is this relationship worth ‘fixing’?
I cannot answer this question….and neither can anyone else. Look at your relationship as a whole. How long have you been friends? How close are you? Do you think she would be willing to work on herself? Everyone will have an opinion about whether or not you should stay friends with her or not. But this is something that only you can answer. If the answer is yes, then you should tell her and then work through all of this with her. Be there for her. If you don’t think it’s worth fixing, then you shouldn’t be friends with her. I am sure she will ask why….you need to be honest with her. She can’t change herself if you aren’t honest with her. You don’t have to be friends with anyone you don’t want to…so if you are just completely done with the friendship….walk away. There are very people that are truly friends for life. Just don’t be mean about ‘breaking’ up with her.
Again, these are my opinions about toxic friends…..I am sure many people will disagree with me. But if you have a toxic friend in your life….tell her. If you are that toxic friend….work on yourself. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. You can’t expect your toxic friend to know she is toxic. And she can’t change it if no one tells her. Be honest with her….but be as kind as you can be. We have all been toxic at one point in our lives. There is nothing wrong with that if you are willing to work on it.
Learn. Change. Grow. It’s life!