Motherhood confession

*This is a real & honest conversation between two mothers. This is not to spark a debate but rather to let everyone know that every mothers experience is different but, nonetheless, real. You may not agree with what is said, but I do ask you that you respect these two mothers & their experiences.*

When {Husband} and I were still engaged, I quit the doctorate program that I was halfway through, for lots of reasons, but it was super painful. When we got married I was still dealing with the loss of my dream career and figuring out what the heck I was gonna do with my life now. We were on the “3-5 year plan” for kids so I was on the pill. 9 months later we found out I was 8 weeks pregnant (I missed a pill) and we were in super shock/denial, etc. To be brutally honest, we both secretly hoped I would miscarry, we just were NOT ready for a baby, we were barely married and still dealing with my quarter-life identity crisis. We couldn’t figure out how we were going to financially survive and even up until the day he was born we just kept saying
“we’re not ready”. Then {Baby} was born, he had colic, I had postpartum
depression, and {Husband} was working til 11pm half the time because work was
 slammed. It was NOT a good combination. I had to go back to work when {Baby} was 6 weeks old because we needed the money. I was a nanny and took {Baby} with me, and it was a good distraction. I went from working 2 days a week to 6 days a week by the time he turned one. I was still in denial that I was a mom. I was clinging to my vanishing identity from before {Baby}, and so was {Husband}. I needed to “go to work” because I couldn’t handle “just being a mom”. {Husband} and I were fighting constantly because we had such a hard time bonding with {Baby} due to his colic and us feeling so unprepared. The hardest part about all of this was that my whole life I WANTED to be a mom. I’ve always wanted 3 or 4 kids, but this was NOT how I had pictured things. I had a baby and I didn’t feel that crazy attachment people claim all moms immediately feel. That made me feel like a horrible person. Fast forward to this summer. Our church was doing a series on the book of Jonah. In the first chapter, God calls Jonah to Ninevah and he flat out says “no” and goes the complete opposite direction. He flees to a different city and climbs on a boat to get there. Our pastor challenged us to examine our own lives and figure out what God was calling us to that we were running away from. And to identify what we were running to. At the time, I said “I have no idea” to both questions. Two weeks later I was rereading the first chapter, my sermon notes, and watching the following weeks sermon online, and I still was saying “I have no idea what God is calling me to that I’m running away from.” Sometime a couple days later it hit me like a ton of bricks in the face. DUH! God was calling me to be a MOM. And I have been running away from it for 2 years. I have been clinging to “I’m not just a mom, I’m a nanny too” or “when my kids go to school, I’m going to work.” I was literally working to avoid my full responsibilities as
 a mom. All of a sudden I had a peace about my life with {Baby} and {Husband} (that’s NOT to say every day is easy, of course). And at the same time I realized that God would give us our next baby on his timeline as well. (We had had such a hard time dealing with everything that we were thinking it would be several more years before we had another baby, even though ideally we would have wanted them closer together.) Now we feel confident enough to leave the timing that in God’s hands.

I can definitely relate to almost everything that you have said! Even though I
know I am not the only one that has these feelings, it’s nice to hear someone
else say that they can relate. I am still having a hard time with
motherhood. Some days are better than others but, I feel like overall I am just
 bad at it. I didn’t imagine this to be my mootherhood or for it to be so hard. I
am sure it doesn’t help that I have {# of children} so close together, but still. Ugh!  I am hoping that with finding a church, new surroundings, and finding things to
do that I enjoy will help out with everything. Glad that I could help in His
plan and thanks for talking with me about this! Nice to know that I can trust
someone to talk with things like this.

I think what it boils down to is this: Motherhood is HARD. But no one tells you
that, they just tell you all the wonderful things about being a mom. People are
quick to tell you that marriage is hard work, it’s not always easy, but no one
tells you that about being a mother. Or at least when they say it, it’s followed
by “but it’s so worth it”. Well, some days it just doesn’t feel worth it. We
moms need to be honest with each other and support each other. We’re all going
through it, but we’re too ashamed to admit it!

No one tells you how hard it really is…what a change it is…..and that some
 days you question why you did this. Everyone says whatever you go through it’s
worth it and I honestly don’t always agree with that statement. I think if we
 (mothers) were more honest and open with each other then more women would open up about their ppd & wouldn’t be afraid of what other mothers would think.
Too many mothers are so quick to judge and if you don’t say all this ‘surface’
things then you are a bad mother. I can’t imagine that we are the only two
people in the world that feel this way….I just think women don’t open up about
it because of how other mothers will react to our truths. Motherhood isn’t the
same for everyone & we all deal with it differently. I think we (mothers)
need to embrace all the differences that all mothers go through.

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I look forward to your comments & try to reply to every single one of them :)

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